Monday, November 16, 2015

Abusive backgrounds

So I've been doing a lot of soul searching.
And trying to figure out why I am still in this circle of abuse.
Aside from.the feeling of love.
I am trying to figure out what's in me right now that's accepting or feeling like I need to cling to someone so bad for me

I've been talking to people that really love me
Want the best future for me

They are so disappointed in the decisions I've made and I want to start to make myself happy

I think I've been searching for and seeking happiness and validation from outside people
And all of that needs to come from me
It needs to come from within
And I need to be able to love myself
And my kids and my family enough
And show them what I stand for
My own self worth

I came from an abusive childhood
Some serious deep rooted shit

And I thinks its spilling out and projecting into all the other areas of my life
And the pain that I've tried to avoid from feeling my whole life its just attacking me all at once
I am so scared

My best friend called me she had a dream that I had disappeared on her.
She asked me what was going on with me
And I told her that I felt like I am disappearing
I look at myself and I don't know who I am anymore
That's a scary thing
I'm scared
And I think that fear is driving me to accept and do things and act a certain way
That isn't me

I am so lost.
I'm hurt
I'm torn
And I know I have to go thru this hardship
God wants better from me

And I think I have to start counseling again
And have a professional to help me sort things out.
I'm really scared to move but maybe that's what I need
I need to be scared and vulnerable
And not just emotionally
I think I need that shock
That push

I have to live without abuse
Because I think its the abuse thats kept me where I am
And held me down

I just ask for prayer
And support

Because this is gonna be the hardest thing I've probably ever done.

Lord help me thru it

I can beat this

I'm bigger than abuse

My God is greater than these problems
I just have to have faith.