Monday, November 16, 2015

Abusive backgrounds

So I've been doing a lot of soul searching.
And trying to figure out why I am still in this circle of abuse.
Aside from.the feeling of love.
I am trying to figure out what's in me right now that's accepting or feeling like I need to cling to someone so bad for me

I've been talking to people that really love me
Want the best future for me

They are so disappointed in the decisions I've made and I want to start to make myself happy

I think I've been searching for and seeking happiness and validation from outside people
And all of that needs to come from me
It needs to come from within
And I need to be able to love myself
And my kids and my family enough
And show them what I stand for
My own self worth

I came from an abusive childhood
Some serious deep rooted shit

And I thinks its spilling out and projecting into all the other areas of my life
And the pain that I've tried to avoid from feeling my whole life its just attacking me all at once
I am so scared

My best friend called me she had a dream that I had disappeared on her.
She asked me what was going on with me
And I told her that I felt like I am disappearing
I look at myself and I don't know who I am anymore
That's a scary thing
I'm scared
And I think that fear is driving me to accept and do things and act a certain way
That isn't me

I am so lost.
I'm hurt
I'm torn
And I know I have to go thru this hardship
God wants better from me

And I think I have to start counseling again
And have a professional to help me sort things out.
I'm really scared to move but maybe that's what I need
I need to be scared and vulnerable
And not just emotionally
I think I need that shock
That push

I have to live without abuse
Because I think its the abuse thats kept me where I am
And held me down

I just ask for prayer
And support

Because this is gonna be the hardest thing I've probably ever done.

Lord help me thru it

I can beat this

I'm bigger than abuse

My God is greater than these problems
I just have to have faith.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Last night together

So with my 9th month just 7days away
Me and the baby's father had a long heart to heart last night...
He was hungry so he came over for dinner yesterday,
And stayed over...
Things happened...

I realized after all the bullshit
The ups and downs
The eviction
The lies
The back and forth
My bike
I mean I seriously can go on and on

A piece of me still loves him

The trust is barely there
But I haven't yet stopped the emotion behind it

He snuggled and felt the baby kick all night

He got mad at me because I kept getting out the bed but my back be killin me
Once he felt all the shit the baby was doin he understood a little better

Emphasis on the little lol

Men will never understand

I believe that whole heartedly

I'm just getting real nervous about everything

Labor is not an easy thing
I know I've done it b4
Things go different every time

Its scary

Point blank
Women die birthing their kids

Its the closest you get to death while being alive

I hate leaving my kids with other people...
IMA miss my doggies

Ima be home sick

Just still trying to wrap my mind around it all.

Asking for all your prayers and support. Because these past 2years of my life have been the craziest ever.
And I can only imagine what this new year is gonna bring me

My son father is crazy outta his mind

I love him tho...

Love u guys...

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Keep your head up


When your heart is free
Its easy to make a decision
When your head is clear
You know you have good judgment
But when your life is turning topsy turvey
And you have no reasons for whats disturbing
Remember these words my father said to me

He said: Keep your head up dont say you love him
(Keep your head)
Walk away from all that has hurt you
(Find your power)
Find your power you know your strong
Take that step and it will help you along

When your mind's at peace
(at peace)
Sleep comes so very peacefully
When you start to dream
They are wonderful and so very sweet
But when your life is turning topsy turvey
And you have no answers for whats disturbing
Remember these words a preacher said to me

He said: Keep your head up dont say you love him
(Keep your head up)
Walk away from all that is hurting
(Find your power)
Find your power you know your strong
(Take that step)
Make that step and it will help you along (2x)

Why give up this time you can win
(You can win)
Why give up this battle is within
(Is within)
Why stay when you don't know what he's gonna do
Why choose him when its time to choose you

Keep your head up dont say you love him
Walk away from all that is hurting
Find your power you know your strong
Make that step it will help you along (2x)

Keep your head up (6x)

Beautiful

The time is right
I'm gonna pack my bags
And take that journey down the road
Cause over the mountain I see the bright sun shinning
And I want to live inside the glow
Yeah

I wanna go to place where I am nothing and everything
That exists between here and nowhere
I wanna got to a place where time has no consequence oh yeah
The sky opens to my prayers

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,

Please understand that it's not that I don't care
But right know these walls are closing in on me
I love you more than I love life itself

But I need to find a place were I can breathe
I can breathe
I wanna go to place were I can hold the intangible
And let go of the pain with all my might

I wanna go to a place where I am suspended in ecstasy
Some where between dark and light
Where wrong becomes right

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful


Friday, November 6, 2015

Confirmation

A lot of times we play blind
Especially when it comes to people that we love
Or expect things from.
God has slapped me in the face with the truth.
Just in the nick of time
I'm hurt
Crushed
Mad
Confused
I feel just about every feeling there is right now
But I will not be defeated
I see a new beginning forming
A way out
I am.gonna take this chance and run as far away as I can

I'm gonna disappear in the middle of the night and no one will ever hear from me again

Not if I don't want them.to

I'm a queen
God's child
His daughter
And He didn't create me to be treated like this

He wants me to be worshiped and appreciated for the person I am

I'm.gonna go quiet fo along time

So goodbye to all of you guys.

Its been a journey

A long twisted journey

But our time together ends now.

Goodbye and God bless you

Thank u for everything

Put all your faith in God

Because man will fail you every time

Goodbye

🙏

Miss me when im gone

Miss the gestures and the genuine feelings I had
The heart I gave
The courage it took to let go
Miss the conversations and laughs
The arguments that had to blow over

The time we spent wrapped in each others arms
The hours we spent doing nothing

The way we planned on doing everything different

I'm gonna miss the hope I had

The future that faded b4 me

The friend and lover that changed

The person I never knew