Monday, August 31, 2015

Wow i knew it

So I had said I felt like God was forcing me into change...

I got this email

You tell me...

God is forcing me into change

And I know I'm probably fighting him tooth and nail!

Forgive me Lord.

I'm trying.

I am growing.
And as I become closer to the Lord, the way I feel people need to treat Me and value me goes up.

The devil is cold y'all.
Will disguise himself as someone you love.

Will use you.
Decieve you.

Smile at you.

Play with your kids.

He will love you and kill you at the same time.

I am learning.

Really learning.

Just praise God at all times. And know that His plan is not to harm you.
Its to better you and see you prosper.

In Jesus name.


Sunday, August 30, 2015

The absolutely last straw

There's no more chances to be given you guys

This man can't be helped...

OK so the baby daddy has been here since last Sunday.

And things were going well.

But you can't help someone that wants to lie and use you.

Lying for no reason at all.

He makes decisions only for himself.

And I've watched him distance himself from his own kids.

Lie to his mother.

Everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie.

So basically I was short like 5 dollars outta my wallet.

But when he's around I stay on high alert especially when he's broke.

So I asked him why he took money out my wallet without asking.

He's trying to make me feel like ion know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Then I find sports betting pages dated from today.
I'm smart enough to know that they come out everyday. Just like a newspaper

So you went to the casino and bet just say it. He can't do it.

He'd rather lie.

That's why he always has bad luck, and bad karma.

So I just told him not to come back...

I rather not.

I'm not gonna live with someone that I have to hide my purse or wallet. And can't trust you as far as I can throw u.

I can't even lift him.

Not gonna try.

I've dealt with a lot of things but never a thief like that.

So anyways just updating u all on the shenanigans.

I wish him the best.

I hope he finds real help.

Because he can't help anyone until he gets his life together.

Start owning his shit.

He's not a man. He can't face real life.

I'm gonna be OK.
Better than OK.

Especially with him gone because he's been weighing me down like a rusted anchor for along time.

I've sunken deeper and deeper into a hole because he lives in a hole himself...

Anyways. Getting back to life...

God bless u all

Saturday, August 29, 2015

Since last week

A lot of progress has been made.

A lot of quality time spent,
Life planning,
Job contemplating
Possibly still moving not sure when
New baby coming
I want another car

I want a bigger house

But blessed beyond imagination.

Been having the best time with my family.

Not saying too much but I'm a happy girl ,������

Friday, August 21, 2015

God is so amazing

Thursday, August 20, 2015


Father, I’m drowning in the silence of today. I feel alone, but I know You are there. I know that Your silence is not Your absence. Help me wait for You to finish what You have started in me. Help me hope. Help me believe. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Life planning

So I'm trying to plan and introduce some change into my drab life lol

I kinda miss l.a. but my son father be leaving kind of a bad taste in my mouth I can't figure him out

He's mad for some reason
All the time

And I don't know why. He cheated on me. I put him out so he can b with the other woman.
Not my fault she wasn't what he thought and took him thru the wringer and back. That was on him. A choice he made.

I moved on and got on with life.

I went all the way to l.a. and he didn't bother to come to the party and see his daughter.
His mother did. And his sister. I love hala she's such a breathe of fresh air to be around. Always smiling.
Even his twin sons came.

Anyways this post isn't about him he's just one of the reasons I shy away from l.a.

I only deal with him like once maybe twice a year and its extremely uncomfortable when I do.
Then on top of that all my family is out there. Don't get me wrong I love them to death. But in small, short, inconsistent visits lol
Anything more I can't deal with

So that leaves moving somewhere else in Nevada... Which will be hard because I've never left or strayed far from my neighborhood.
Or try somewhere new all together.
Now I do wanna leave the desert for a while.
I am tired of the heat lol

I've been looking at places in Atlanta.
My.friends just moved to Pennsylvania.
I loved Florida when I was there. But my people left there...
What about just venturing and moving?
When I first came here many years ago I didn't know a soul...
Were so much bolder when were young lol

Get older take less chances

I don't wanna be scared tho. Some of the best things is life have came from stepping blindly into the future...

I just gotta figure it out, make a plan
Stick to it
Leave it in God's hands

I am too hype tho.
I haven't felt like this in along time
And I just hope I can make some wise smart desicions

Lord steer

Aw i love my brodie


Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Time to reflect

You know sometimes when u go thru things in a relationship
And u take that break to gather space and u gravitate back to your loved one...

Well that only happens when there's true love involved

When there's not
You only gather clarity of why you should've never been with that person to begin with

Start to gain strength and peace in being without that person

I'm in a good place right now.

The cards are in my hands

And I'm still seeing who's very much down and in love with me

Certain ones are mad

Others begging for sex

Some still telling the same ole lies

And one deserving so much more than what I've been giving him

He just lives so far away I can't stand being without him

So its better to keep him at bay until we can straighten it out

We've been ironing things out for over 10 years lol

Baby steps...

Were very stubborn and slow...

He does not like the choices I make at all.

But he does love me

And I love him back

Its hard watching someone live without u

When all u wanna do is become apart of their everyday life
Apart of their forever

I'm still down to give u forever when you're ready

Josh im so sorry

I don't know how we've gotten so thrown off from the original plan.
The one that had only us two in it
I know I had a major part in it.
I'm so blessed you still love me

Don't think I don't love you

I'm just doing what I think is best right now.

And if I'm in a confused state I can't drag your heart into the middle of it.

I love you more than that

I know you know where I stand.

U been knowing me almost my whole life

I love you tall can.

IMA be back in l.a. sooner than u think

Saturday, August 15, 2015

So exhausted

Traveling makes u tired lol
Especially when your pregnant
With 4 kids
And 3 dogs

There is family trickling in from everywhere.
Everyone wants a piece of time
Its hard to make everybody happy

Can only do so much

Will have pictures soon

Love u guys

Luau time

Day one

God can still use me

Been getting closer to God and trying to learn and find my place and purpose in this world

You know the devil is extremely clever
He knows how to say the right thing, lure the right bait, to draw you away from God.

I'm so serious

The devil will try to make you live in your past. Live in your mistakes.

But God says not to think about the past because HE can still use you to serve His purpose and glorify His name.

For along time I really couldn't figure out my path.

I'm  just taking a step at a time.

Praying along the way

I'm not running to seek comfort from sinners anymore.

Selfish people who only think about themselves.

I wanna surround myself with positivity

Loving people

Generous people

God loving people

Lord I ask that you use me for all your glory

Speak thru me

Give me a heart like yours

Help me to see your plan.

In Jesus name amen

Friday, August 14, 2015

Saying goodbye

So, its time
its here.
Time for a new journey.
New experience and new people.
I'm scared. But I'm ready.
I've been holding onto the bitter past for so long.
I'm so grateful for the people that have entered my life at the right time.
So happy the boogy man and his shadows have left me.
Its crazy you get so used to the negativity, the bullshit, the devil...
We hide from God
Run from our own salvation
Our own blessings
But I'm not running anymore
I'm only running to the Lord
I realize that no one is more jealous than HIM
No man
I Was actually letting this bitch of a man pump fear into me. And it just wasn't life
God had to stop me dead in my tracks
Turn His daughter around and redirect me
But I see and feel him now
Nothing can stop it now

And a door closed by God shan't be reopened

Its taking a little while to get used to but its such a breath of fresh air!!!

Out of fear I have cut some people out of my life
People I love.
But its because as of right now I only have time for God

I don't wanna mess things up with him again

I know He will put it all back together
And only bring certain people back in

I'm so excited for today, this weekend
And what its going to bring me

I will not fail

I know I'm gonna cry AND that's ok

I've cried a lot over the past year
All for the wrong reasons

I've forgiven the wrong people

But there is an innocent person
So pure
I can't let the devil touch him

So I allowed God to cast the devil away

Lord I thank u for waking me and giving me an opportunity to talk to you
I pray that you only send your soldiers into my life and space
I pray that you can continue to keep the darkness away from me
Even when I foolishly invite it my way
Please see and know what's right for me and protect me from myself.

I thank you so much for loving me and keeping me strong even when I feel like giving up

I love you and I am so sorry that I wasn't putting you first in my life
I see that's how I ended up here
But I know you're not done with me yet

Thank you for bringing true love into my life.
I love you

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

One baby step at a time

I know I have a mega blessing coming

Can't wait

Monday, August 10, 2015

Gods work

Wanna share where God has been taking me...

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Love is retarded im almost sure

Or at least the people I choose to love are

Its probably me who's the retarded one. But I am slowly learning

I am definitely not mad
At this point I'm not even disappointed

I'm starting to understand and come to grips with certain facts

If he lies to his mother, brothers, and baby mommas, he'd do it to me

If he steals and deals with snakes
He too is a snake himself

I always constantly have to remind myself that the devil himself was God's top angel
You can mask things well

Use words to make a situation sound better

But the actions of a man will tell u everything

I'm not even gonna say it anymore. To me
To him
To anyone else
I'm just gonna be about it

Watch world watch how I turn this world upsidedown

I can't wait

Because someone who brings constant anxiety is the devil

Glad he chooses to stay in the pit of hell

Thank u Lord for knowing my enemies