Sunday, December 20, 2015

He finally came

So as the weeks went by I thought he would never come!!
Finally on his due date he arrived.
Long story short, just as with my daughter the labor came so fast I was unable to receive any type of pain medicine.
😢😢😧
He was born weighing 7lbs 2oz
I give you Sosa M. Macnair

I love him so much

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Last picture before Delivery

In all my glory

Medal of honor

So, I have been in extreme deep thought
Over my sons name as he is so close to arriving
I went online to my support group to gain insight from the other moms having the same dillema as me

Who's last name should the baby have

And what I've learned and come to understand and respect is that
This name will be his forever
This name will be passed onto his kids
And there kids after that
It is a medal
A badge
An honor
To be passed down from lifetime to lifetime

And that being said if this great honor isn't earned and deserved it certainty isn't going to be handed out
Or given

And I had to think to myself who deserves that great honor??

Who has never let me down
Whos name do I want to live forever???

NONE OTHER THEN THE GREAT ARCHIE MACNAIR

I had one mother say
If u even have to ask the answer should be not the father's name

If u even have to second guess whether your child should carry his name or not spare yourself...

Yet when it comes to my grandfather
He was the greatest man I've ever known

No one will ever live up to his greatness

And so another macnair will be born

Very soon just 7 days away from my due date

I'm so relieved to have made this decision
Just one more thing I don't have to worry about.

Sen will be here next week

And vacation starts

I'm so blessed he will be here to help and assist with his new brother

I love u all

Will keep u updated when my prince arrives

Monday, November 16, 2015

Abusive backgrounds

So I've been doing a lot of soul searching.
And trying to figure out why I am still in this circle of abuse.
Aside from.the feeling of love.
I am trying to figure out what's in me right now that's accepting or feeling like I need to cling to someone so bad for me

I've been talking to people that really love me
Want the best future for me

They are so disappointed in the decisions I've made and I want to start to make myself happy

I think I've been searching for and seeking happiness and validation from outside people
And all of that needs to come from me
It needs to come from within
And I need to be able to love myself
And my kids and my family enough
And show them what I stand for
My own self worth

I came from an abusive childhood
Some serious deep rooted shit

And I thinks its spilling out and projecting into all the other areas of my life
And the pain that I've tried to avoid from feeling my whole life its just attacking me all at once
I am so scared

My best friend called me she had a dream that I had disappeared on her.
She asked me what was going on with me
And I told her that I felt like I am disappearing
I look at myself and I don't know who I am anymore
That's a scary thing
I'm scared
And I think that fear is driving me to accept and do things and act a certain way
That isn't me

I am so lost.
I'm hurt
I'm torn
And I know I have to go thru this hardship
God wants better from me

And I think I have to start counseling again
And have a professional to help me sort things out.
I'm really scared to move but maybe that's what I need
I need to be scared and vulnerable
And not just emotionally
I think I need that shock
That push

I have to live without abuse
Because I think its the abuse thats kept me where I am
And held me down

I just ask for prayer
And support

Because this is gonna be the hardest thing I've probably ever done.

Lord help me thru it

I can beat this

I'm bigger than abuse

My God is greater than these problems
I just have to have faith.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Last night together

So with my 9th month just 7days away
Me and the baby's father had a long heart to heart last night...
He was hungry so he came over for dinner yesterday,
And stayed over...
Things happened...

I realized after all the bullshit
The ups and downs
The eviction
The lies
The back and forth
My bike
I mean I seriously can go on and on

A piece of me still loves him

The trust is barely there
But I haven't yet stopped the emotion behind it

He snuggled and felt the baby kick all night

He got mad at me because I kept getting out the bed but my back be killin me
Once he felt all the shit the baby was doin he understood a little better

Emphasis on the little lol

Men will never understand

I believe that whole heartedly

I'm just getting real nervous about everything

Labor is not an easy thing
I know I've done it b4
Things go different every time

Its scary

Point blank
Women die birthing their kids

Its the closest you get to death while being alive

I hate leaving my kids with other people...
IMA miss my doggies

Ima be home sick

Just still trying to wrap my mind around it all.

Asking for all your prayers and support. Because these past 2years of my life have been the craziest ever.
And I can only imagine what this new year is gonna bring me

My son father is crazy outta his mind

I love him tho...

Love u guys...

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Keep your head up


When your heart is free
Its easy to make a decision
When your head is clear
You know you have good judgment
But when your life is turning topsy turvey
And you have no reasons for whats disturbing
Remember these words my father said to me

He said: Keep your head up dont say you love him
(Keep your head)
Walk away from all that has hurt you
(Find your power)
Find your power you know your strong
Take that step and it will help you along

When your mind's at peace
(at peace)
Sleep comes so very peacefully
When you start to dream
They are wonderful and so very sweet
But when your life is turning topsy turvey
And you have no answers for whats disturbing
Remember these words a preacher said to me

He said: Keep your head up dont say you love him
(Keep your head up)
Walk away from all that is hurting
(Find your power)
Find your power you know your strong
(Take that step)
Make that step and it will help you along (2x)

Why give up this time you can win
(You can win)
Why give up this battle is within
(Is within)
Why stay when you don't know what he's gonna do
Why choose him when its time to choose you

Keep your head up dont say you love him
Walk away from all that is hurting
Find your power you know your strong
Make that step it will help you along (2x)

Keep your head up (6x)

Beautiful

The time is right
I'm gonna pack my bags
And take that journey down the road
Cause over the mountain I see the bright sun shinning
And I want to live inside the glow
Yeah

I wanna go to place where I am nothing and everything
That exists between here and nowhere
I wanna got to a place where time has no consequence oh yeah
The sky opens to my prayers

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,

Please understand that it's not that I don't care
But right know these walls are closing in on me
I love you more than I love life itself

But I need to find a place were I can breathe
I can breathe
I wanna go to place were I can hold the intangible
And let go of the pain with all my might

I wanna go to a place where I am suspended in ecstasy
Some where between dark and light
Where wrong becomes right

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful


Friday, November 6, 2015

Confirmation

A lot of times we play blind
Especially when it comes to people that we love
Or expect things from.
God has slapped me in the face with the truth.
Just in the nick of time
I'm hurt
Crushed
Mad
Confused
I feel just about every feeling there is right now
But I will not be defeated
I see a new beginning forming
A way out
I am.gonna take this chance and run as far away as I can

I'm gonna disappear in the middle of the night and no one will ever hear from me again

Not if I don't want them.to

I'm a queen
God's child
His daughter
And He didn't create me to be treated like this

He wants me to be worshiped and appreciated for the person I am

I'm.gonna go quiet fo along time

So goodbye to all of you guys.

Its been a journey

A long twisted journey

But our time together ends now.

Goodbye and God bless you

Thank u for everything

Put all your faith in God

Because man will fail you every time

Goodbye

🙏

Miss me when im gone

Miss the gestures and the genuine feelings I had
The heart I gave
The courage it took to let go
Miss the conversations and laughs
The arguments that had to blow over

The time we spent wrapped in each others arms
The hours we spent doing nothing

The way we planned on doing everything different

I'm gonna miss the hope I had

The future that faded b4 me

The friend and lover that changed

The person I never knew

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Halloween parties

So we did our first Halloween party yesterday. It was our usual annual thing we attend that our community throws for the kids.
One of the major reasons I have stayed in this area for so long is because of the absolute love they show the people.
Every year every holiday they throw something
A Halloween party
They give turkeys for thanksgiving
Christmas toys for December and so on.

So any who here are a few pictures.

And more pictures to come on actual Halloween

Santana sporadically put his mask on and off.
I think he's too cool now :'( :-\ :-[

Enjoy

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

today I had my last ultrasound

So the baby plumped up on me ALOT LOL
He's measuring at 16.5 inches
Weighing around 4.5lbs
And here he is with all his glory.
First he was hiding under all the cord
Then he showed his face
Then he decided to use my placenta as a personal pillow
Last pictures b4 I meet my son.
Whenever he chooses to make his debut



The final lineup

Edited because I had originally wrote 34 weeks... I'll be 33 weeks Sunday November 1st. Pregnancy brain. I'm sorry lol

OK with 33 weeks hitting this Sunday I'm still trying to prepare and line my helpers up
With me not driving anymore the question is
Who the eff is gonna bring me to the hospital??
Perhaps I'll have to take a cab??
An ambulance??

A friend???

Neeta can watch the kids hopefully lol
Last time when I had doopa I had 5 people lined up to watch the kids
And I almost had to bring them to the hospital with me
I hate asking people for help
But Neeta is like family so better her than anyone
It just is starting to make me nervous
It's like
Who is gonna watch the dogs??
Drive me??

My son is old enough to help me at home

Freezer food, fast food, and delivery is gonna be my best friend for a month or 2
Sandwiches
Noodles

If a serious emergency arises I will have to drive my car with no registration or insurance
But at least I'll be at the hospital
With a car

Can't believe I'm already 8 months

Gonna start drinking my raspberry leaf tea this week and get this uterus toned and prepared

Trying to choose my birth control
Looking at pics from last year that depo shot had me so dang fat😣

Probably gonna go IUD
Or something this time

Abstinence??? Hmmmm lol

I wish there was a birth control that helped you to pick better men to be with
Seriously

All the uncertainty just has me unnerved

I hate leaving my kids alone
My doggies

Depending on others
It's a great stretch for me

Melo drove me with amil

My aunt Ruth with Santana

I drove myself with doop

I was on a cold mission with doopa boy lol
I refused to call his dad for anything
Not even if I was dying on my death bed

That's pretty much where I'm at now
Except this time around my plates are bad.
But shit
If I gotta
I gotta

Will update you guys when I think of a master plan

Is just hard because of these holidays
If he comes near his due date we looking at Christmas time
If he comes early we looking at thanksgiving
So......

Counting down

So bought my maxi pads yesterday lolol
How fun 😕😮😐
That was pretty much the last thing I needed for my hospital bag.

I got all my little stretch pants and leggings in there.
IMA feel so much better getting back to my old self!!
Can finally wear some decent clothes and look like a little something.
My son is worth it.
But 9 months is along time to give up yourself for another person.

Maxis
Tank tops (camis)
Stretch pants/leggings
Tablet
Chargers
Phones etc

Still gotta get him a coming home outfit

But for the most part I'm ready.

The b.d. has been irritating the fuck outta me lately.

Regina get your husband...
Ppreciate cha...

Other than that. I have no complaints.

Baby is healthy and still cooking....

God is good.

Been overly providing for everything we need...

Lord I want to thank you in this time
For teaching me how to survive and provide for my family unassisted
The devil has tried to rob and steal from me
Knock me down
But YOU are such a providing father
I am in awe of your mercy

I love you Lord

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Theres nothing like

Going thru hell to get to your destination

The pain, pushing, sweating
To hear your baby's first cry

Looking into his eyes for the very first time

Seeing that face and never forgetting

Touching his curly hair
Smelling his scent

Bonding

Holding his little hand

Counting those perfect toes

Promising him that thru out life you will never leave his side

Introducing yourself and letting him know I'm mommy
Your backbone
the person you can call on for life

Letting him know God has chosen me to love you unconditionally forever
Even into my grave

Dressing him in his first outfit

Changing the first diaper

Breastfeeding for the first time
Teaching him how to latch

Letting his brothers and sisters meet
Watching everyone smile

Watching the youngest hit a milestone and become a big brother

Watching your family grow instantaneously

Watching all your friends come help pitch in
all for the sake of this baby
This beautiful soul no one has met yet

Taking his first picture

Writing his name for the first time

Hearing the world speak your child's name
The name you've chosen for your precious baby

Watching his first shots

Seeing him turn bright red from crying

Rocking him to sleep

Comforting him

His whole world is secure as long as he can feel your heartbeat and hear your voice

There's so much I have went thru this past 8 months

Pure hell at times.

But I know why
I know who its for

And no one is more important than my son right now.

I am so ready
So secure
So prepared for his arrival

If he came today I would be ready

I thank the Lord for this opportunity
To be the first one to love His child

I will never let any of my children fall

There's is absolutely nothing like being a mother

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Recognizing people's sacrifice

Breaking up is hard.
It takes us out of our comfort zone.
It makes us rethink
Reevaluate ourselves
Our lives and situations
And forces us into change

But I think it all has extreme value and a lot of times its necessary

After 9 years of being together my moms boyfriend is moving back to new York and she's having a hard time with that

I spoke to her in great length today
And we shared and we cried and I had to tell my mom some stuff that wasn't easy to say
But necessary for her to hear.

When I went back home in august I saw her man Reggie and first thing I said to him was he was looking thin and honestly he didn't look real happy to me

I told my mom that she shouldn't focus on the fact that he's leaving but more on the fact that he sacrificed and left everything he knows, his family, his son, his entire life in new York 9 years ago for her
That's love

Its a sacrifice that I KNOW my mom would never make for him. As much as she loves him she would never do that

But he did
 

And he didn't do it for 6 months or a year

He did it for almost a decade and I won't let his sacrifice go unnoticed or unappreciated

I compared it to me and joshy

I've been waiting for him to do that.
Which he's came close but never sealed the deal

Its a major thing

And I want her to see that

To see all that love went into that move

I know that even tho Reggie is leaving I know its not easy for him
I know its one of the hardest things he's had to do

I called and spoke with him in great length and let him know that I love him
And I appreciate all he's done for us and our family over the past 9 years

That he's welcome to my home anytime
And that I will always consider him family

She sees this as the end
But I see a great beginning forming

My mom called me a bad bitch
She thinks I'm this great superwoman

But
I get weak
I cry
I hurt
But I have to be strong

And I need her to know everything great in me I learned from her
I was raised by her alone
As a single mom, I watched her work 2 jobs almost my whole life
She works 2jobs to this day
And that's amazing to me
She's equally strong and amazing we just use our strengths in different ways

I love her to death
And I hope she can appreciate herself more than she does

She shorts herself and she's amazing

She bends over backwards
She always comes thru for me

And I'm proud she's my mom.

We all go thru shit in life
Its how we handle our hardships
And bounce back
And endure our struggle

Our struggles make us who we are
And they shape us
Build our character

I'm happy that Reggie is thinking about himself

Its OK to self preserve

We have to be selfish sometimes

We have to love ourselves before anyone else

Sometimes you only have yourself

So. In conclusion I'm proud of both my mom and Reggie

They had a great relationship
They still both love each other very much

But everything has a beginning and an end

And love is no exception.

So value your loved ones while you have them
Because once they're gone they're gone

And recognize the sacrifice we take for love
Because when you don't you may feel like you've been taken for granted

Love you all

Chase

Sunday, October 18, 2015

31 weeks

So I have been soooooo irritated lately.
This 3rd trimester is kickin ass
And I can't wait for this to be over...

Really hormonal and mad
For no reason lol

But happy about all the holidays.

Been getting so much done.

I'm so blessed.

Had my driver license revoked.
So yeah pretty much been on the bus.

Selling my car very soon for dirt cheap.
Because it sitting outside makes me wanna drive and I can't risk going to jail.

The kids need me.

The new baby

So I have to sacrifice

Its cool tho

All in due time

Been running into people I know on the bus actually

New people

Old people 😜

Wild things going on.  So anyways just briefly updating.
I'm really tired and going to sleep.

Goodnight

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Deleted useless junk

Ok so of course in my need to purge, I've once again deleted my Kik and Snapchat.
I have no use for them.
Glide is my medium and I'm sticking to it lol

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Rest in peace angels

So I already spoken about the birthing parenting support board I'm apart of.
This lady who had her son on sept 12th of this year.
He was a micropremie. Born at 27.2 weeks gestation.
He passed away this morning...
I was so sad when I read her update.
He was just too tiny and he got sick..
I can't even imagine how she feels what her mind is thinking.
Please pray for her. And her angel in heaven braylen

Sunday, October 4, 2015

After all is said and done

Said goodbye to a lot of people
This transition is gonna be monumental

But all great changes are

I remember when I left l.a. almost 10 years ago...
I never would have thought I would still be here.

But now its planning, changing, transition time again and there's no time for fear
Only moves to be made

Lord thank u for you vision your compassion and your love.
May I be successful in everything thru your mercy grace and love
In Jesus name
Amen

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Preparation

So its almost October ☺☺☺
I am too hype.
I already found my Halloween costume. Hopefully I'll still be able to fit it by the time Halloween comes.
If not I have like 2 old costumes from a few years ago I can throw on if I can't fit this in a few weeks. But let's cross our fingers and pray I still will ����
All I really need is some Lil stockings and I'm set.
So I know these few weeks gonna fly by.

Anyways.
Getting all the doodads for the upcoming festivities ��
And I can't say much more yet.
Just wait on it

Always blessed and hardly stressed.

God bless u family.

Monday, September 21, 2015

The way God designed us

Saw this and it made me weep...
I was supposed to post this earlier I was just at a loss for the capability
Totally struck by this message I hope it resonates

Friday, September 18, 2015

Planning season

So as time dwindles down. It is now time to start planning my baby shower.

We already have a theme.
And although I was really pumped up the other day I'm starting to get kind of overwhelmed but I know I have a lot of help!!

I feel so blessed that everyone urged me to throw one☺��

So keeping things kind of under wraps for now.
Don't want any uninvited stalkers showing up.
Or fat, balding, broke losers dropping by.
So the date and time will be given out only to people attending.

On some exclusiveness.

Really can't wait tho!!!
This time is flying by.
And soon I will have this baby
And be getting my body and my life back!!!!!!!

Still have moving in the AIR
And I've found a few places both in Nv and in ca that I will be considering.

Have dating already back in play just taking it slow because I'm focusing on me and being very selfish about it ��

As my people told me the other day be selfish its ok!!!

So just updating my loves.

Stay blessed because God is a truly good God with a plan to better you.
In Jesus name

Amen

Friday, September 11, 2015

Lord i call on you

I am so sorry. That I only seem to call on you when I need something.
Please forgive my selfish heart and ways.

I need help Lord and I don't know where to go or who to call on. I just fall at your feet and weep.

I am so tired of making the wrong decisions in my life.
I am starting to feel worn out.

And all I want to do is protect and care for my kids.
How do I know if I'm providing the way you want me to?

I feel inadequate.

I need you help Lord.
My spirit is broken and my faith needs mending

Please help me

Help me to relax.
My anxiety is getting so bad.
I don't want to cry anymore.

In Jesus name amen

Monday, September 7, 2015

Rebirth like the butterfly

Please please pray for this woman

Sooo. I am apart of this online pregnancy support group and I recently came across this post...


I can only imagine what shes feeling. And what shes about to go thru. With the pregnancy and being hiv positive. Also trying to protect her baby from contracting it etc. Please keep her in your heart and your prayers... 

Thank you and happy holiday to you all

Saturday, September 5, 2015

Whats in a name??

So I'm pretty much set on a first and middle name.

But I am torn on the last name.

I don't know if I should give him his father's last name.

With my last son I gave him my grand fathers last name. Because it died when my grandmother and grandfather did and I wanted to revive my grandfather's legacy.

I don't know what to do this time because his father is not dependable.

I wanna give my son an important name. A name that stands for something.
A name he can want to live up to

And I'm not sure if that's what I have
Just gonna pray that God will give me the answer

Friday, September 4, 2015

With reluctance

I share my ultrasound pics...

This is the 3rd ultrasound I've had.

2nd 3d one, but the first the baby was so young his facial features went really distinguished

Here's a glimpse

I should have a few more later on in third trimester.

I really thank my family.

They're always so supportive and they know that in the end my kids are all that matter to me
They are my everything
And they're all I have

Its hard. But I thank God for the gift of my kids
Mother of 5 I would never ever have imagined.
But I am absolutely blessed.

Thank God and all His glory

Thursday, September 3, 2015

The cut off

So, u can only reach out to someone so many times

I'm cutting folks off
No dead weight

And if we only talk 3 times a year we ain't friends

A few years ago I fell out with my ex best friend

Never spoke to her again

Its that time again

So goodbye to all the people that won't make it

Well never speak again

Lord heard my cries again

I had a rough morning this morning

As I cried out feeling alone. Confused as to whom I need to have around me.

Woke up to this message for ME from GOD

I love you Lord keep me always

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

I hope

Um I.hope that you guys are able to read the screenshots of my emails and first 5s...

First 5 is an app that I had downloaded on my phone.
And for some reason it was corrupting my phones performance. So I ended up deleting it. But then re downloaded it onto my tablet.
So the screen shots look very different.

I access my blog from both my phone and tablet. Never a computer so I have no idea what these screenshots are looking like I hope theyre readable because the messages are so powerful.

Morning!!!

Here's a copy of today's first 5



Tuesday, September 1, 2015

sept 2016


Message!!

So when listening for God, I try to listen for the praises and blessings. But I also listen for lessons that I need to heed.
Things I need to hear and learn.

This is what I found today on my first 5.

... Note: I was married once. I got married when I was 18 and even tho we were separated for years. We just recently got divorced in 2012.

I might take that leap again. But only for the right person.