Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Ending an era

I fell in love with naked city 8 years ago.
Its been home since 2006
And recently ive had a turn of events that is forcing me to leave the area and it scares the shit ohtta me

But its time.

Every time I think about it my eyes well up.

But I am taking a BLIND leap of faith, and I dont know when the next move iss gonna be

Im scared

As I get older I see myself taking less risks
But I feel like if I don't break away now
I never will

My heart hurts
Im kicked down
I feel like I have no one
But God will see me thru it...

I rebuke the devil and his fucked up plans

6 months later

I am so unhappy with myself right now, but I jnow change is on the horizon.
In a matter of months I lost almost everything I have tried to build.
Behind a man for one
A married man
Who is also physically abusive.
But I have seen little of him lately
I hope I never see him again
He is the absolute worst thing that has happened to me
I love him
But I loved my daughter's father, you still have to stand up for yourself
I still had to leave him
And so too did I have to leave this one

Ill be glad when this new life starts
And I have to rebuild, and thats ok
Im prepared,  I know its gomna be extremely hard,
And its gonna be alot of work
Change isnt easy for me
But God is definitely expecting change from me

Lord please force me to do what u have planned for me
And comfort me,
Please never leave me because I am lost
I need you to steer for me, guide my vision
My steps
My path
My money
Take my family in your hands and just mold us because I am so scared

Just bear hug me and never let go.

I love you Lord
Please work thru me

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Its hard

Its hard to forget the past

Look forward

Forgive

Accept people for who they are

Love flaws

Be honest

Is hard to overlook anything when you expect so much from them

Sweetest surprise

Got the most

Sincere and genuine heartfelt message from my. Daughters father the other day

Brought me to tears

We havent seen eye to eye for along time

We never get along

We miscommunicate

But he got it right this last time

And I can tell hes growing

Maturing.

He thanked me for taking care of our daughter

And he said that I always held him down

Was always there and supported him

And that he loved me.

We haven't talked allot since.

It's pretty much hard for me to talk to him

But I did let him know how much I appreciated his message

Him calling

His sentiment

Sometimes it just takes a humble phone call

It can change the world

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Day one

Nigga if u was down u woulda stuck around from day one.

checking in

So, quick check in.
before summer takes hold and all hell breaks loose

so, moved.


still not talking to alot of folks,

living


loving life.


I know all the tricks now.

I can prevent from being lured back in


when we said goodbye last, it was permanent

Monday, April 14, 2014

Don't miss me

Because everything was always wrong all the time.

We never saw each other.

Aye cuz niggas expect me to believe they fucking twice a year?

My nigga I'm not brain dead.

These niggas is hoes out here

They lie cheat

Use you

So I don't miss or love none of em.

These niggas ain't loyal 

Monday, April 7, 2014

Thus far

So it's April already.

And dam.

Lmao a lot has transpired so far

Life changes

Losing people

Losing life

But good always follows

I will never give the devil my joy

I have been meeting some crazy ass people

Can't wait to see what the rest of the year has to give me

Show me

Grow with me

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Dam I'm on

Niggas is on it.

New friends,

Old flames,

And people that don't stand a chance...

G.I.p. criminal

Dam quentel..

Today's yo home going.

I hate funerals.

You were so young my guy

Just hit 24

You are missed

Some good has come since you were taken

Mook and easha start back talkin

People seem more appreciative of their own lives...

I miss you waking up everyday coming thru

With yo early bird ass
Stay waking a nigga up

Always into something

Have me postin shit on craigslist lol

Boy and I holla

U was a hustla by nature

You werent

Perfect but none of us are.

Its gonna be so sad today.

I won't be able to make it.

I don't do funerals

I don't wanna see all my friends n fam crying.

You know me crim I cry enough.

Jut wanna let u know I miss you

I'm thinking about u.

I still love you

Party for me.

And hold stuff down for me till I make it where u are

Monday, March 31, 2014

You can't take

What's not there.

What's not real

I can buy another

Newer model

Better

Make it mine again

What will you havr

The same misconception that led you to your black, cold, lifestyle

You can't compete with me

Out of your leave baby we don't speak the same tongue

Hang yourself

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Blessed

As always,

No matter if I got robbed

Lied to

Ignored.

I am always blessed and highly favoured

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Hott

Getting closer to the truth and getting my bike back

Thursday, March 27, 2014

They got me yall

Not even 3 months after I got my motorcycle, they stole my shit.

Some hating ass nigga or bitch

Mad that I had just got me another  car and still had my motorcyce

I didn't even go drive off the lot like last time I went used and bought a lil bucket...

You still can't handle it
Hate

Steal

A police report is made.

The different neighborhoods I know are looking

From naked city, to the vistas, summerlin, and north town.

Every smoker, Pimp, d boy and girl, hoe, and gangster I know is looking for my shit.

I hope you crash and die on my shit on GOD

Its coming back to me as a blessing and watch how it kills you

Kill yourself hater

And thanks for the shade I was hott bitch

Moving right along

Dam folks it's April pretty much u know?

That's crazy...

This year moving right along.

Changes Changes.

Rearranging life.

But GOD is good.

I been meeting people.

Getting to know people.

Finding out more than I should lmao.

There is definitely some weird niggas in the game.

Niggas be doin a lot.

When in actuality I'm quite simple... at least in my own complex mind.

...

I can't wait to go camp man.
Its a lot of work packing and all that shit but once I get out there.

Very peaceful

It gives me a peace that the city can never give me.

Weeeeell, my intermission is over time to crawl back into bed for sleep #2 ;)

Live your life people

Cuz you could die today.

And too shay to the nigga who said they can't live life like that

Cause in all reality I can't either

*Drops mic and walks off 

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Happy g day amil

My baby turn 5 today.

She is a diva

She grown

She cold

And she mines

Friday, March 21, 2014

The funeral

So. The plans and preparation for the funeral are underway.

I never knew how much thought goes into this stuff

All the way down to what you wear in the casket

Its so crazy

Got me to thinking.

I don't want none of that when I go.

Just give me to the city like the homeless people and let the government worry about me.

I want my kids to stay together in my absence if they're underage of 18.

Donate all my stuff to a local church or charity.

And be done with me.

No viewing

No life support

Donate whatever organs u can

No tombstone

No urn

No memorial

No obituary

I wanna be forgotten

Don't cry over me

Chirp. Tweet

Struggling

But determined

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Adios

Self

Homicide

Dam crim

Sitting here

In bed. Thinking about life death.

Its hard to believe you're gone you was Just over here blowing drinking lol...

I miss you.
Its so much going on I wish I had your ear to talk in

Shoulder to cry on.

Wish it coulda been me instead of you

Monday, March 17, 2014

God created

Woman from man's rib.

We are meant to have a companion

Never been asked

You know today someone asked Me...

Would I rather have a particular ex back in my life under the same circumstances. ..

Or find someone who could treat me equally as nice but on a more frequent basis
Everyday
Because they would live where I am

I had never thought of it like that.

I have been emotionally unavailable because I was waiting on this man

And I never was giving other men a even fair shot at courting me

How to I know they can't be an even better man than said ex?

Without a fair chance to prove themselves I'm not allowing them to show me who they are.

I deserve a good man I am such a good woman

A good mother

People like me

I shortstop myself

I've been living in a complete fantasy world.

But today I wake the fuck up.

I can't deal with this life.

Repost

Sunday, March 16, 2014

God works

In mysterious ways...

New chapter coming...

I'm not one for goodbyes

I disappear

Bermuda triangle

Black hole

Living the untold

Unthinkable

Unbearable

Being invisible

Not invincible

Dismissing YOU

Saturday, March 15, 2014

She told me

To stop running.

But it's not running if you're never coming back

We all cried

Today we said good bye and rehomed our cats.

He was a really sweet guy and he said we could visit anytime. It was hard but necessary so we can finally move and start over.

In ready

My first date

So I had this unexpected date today. It's my neighbors brother... been knowing him a few years he had shown interest but I was preoccupied Smh.. any who.

He's living with his sister now who lives next to me so we're neighbors now...

;)

We c each other everyday
He carried my groceries in for me the other day...

He's attractive

And I am soooooooooo over due for some

He's not my usual type

But look where that shit landed me

He's younger than me of course
Lmao the young men love me

He told me he always wanted to date me but he thought I had a man

I've caught him staring a few times...

He's nice to look at
I gotta turn up

What if I die 2moro  ?

I don't wanna regret not being out there

I only got one life

Can't be stuck alone
Crying

Mad that I'm alone when so many people like me

As if

Wish me luck cuz I plan on having fun. No babies included

That part

Hoodbye

On to a different journey

Friday, March 14, 2014

Goodnight.

I hope to wake up 2moro

Giving away

My 2 beautiful siamese cats cuz they can't come with me when I move

#change

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Prayed about it

And did it.

No more time for second chances
Apologies
Excuses
Explanations

Its over.

New email and all.

Goodbye old life
And girlfriend

You're spam

White flag

I finally give up.

The devil is stealing my spirit and no one cares.

No one loves me

No friends

Nothing

And the few people that did fuck with me are dying

I give up

I have no will left

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Cut my leg off

So as painful as its going to be. I have to cut off some limbs.

I can no longer carry them.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Farewell

It's been so real.
I think I've been writing on here since 2010..

Thanks for growing with me.

I've thought,

Waited

Cried.

Its finally goodbye

Deleting

Sorry to say but I think I'm done blogging for 2014... maybe just updating portfolios maybe not.

New shit

Don't draw it out

Just end it.

Nights like this

You feel sad, call that new person you been ignoring, talk, get comforted, and end up getting some strange.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Shuffling

Thru old emails so I can remind myself of what's happens every time...

Remind myself of who I am, what I stand for,

And what I said a few months ago

You can love someone with all your heart and soul does it mean you were meant to spend life with them

Or are they only to exist in your heart?

By the end of this year I will know the answer to that.

That is my resolution

That's what I'm giving myself this year.

Lord

I am not even goin there right now. Moving on

Let him

Also make the same effort he sees you making.

Give and tAke

I'm retarded

So I can't figure out how to access the different pages I have on my blog like my portfolios etc.
I was tryna update my portfolios from my phone from the blogger app and I don't see how to do it. So I'll just post a few photos from my recent work... sorry about the gloss on the last one he was sore and begging for ointment i will get a pic of the healed tattoo later today

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

How thoughtful!

Having a great day so far.
Got to catch up with an old friend... he is studying for the bar exam and he is usually so busy.

Anyway. He came over and surprised us with pizza and chicken!

Yay court!

I love surprises lol

The food was delishhhhh!

Can't wait to see what the rest of my day is gonna be like

O:-)

Starting WRONG

Ok so if I barely know you...

You DONT call my phone at 2a.m.

Cuz ain't nothin open at that hour but some legs: /

Now the next time we talk Or chill Ima be actin funny.

Come on boo get it together

This isn't getting you closer to being my Valentine

This not even getting you close to side man Saturday...

Let's put more effort into your courting me ok?

See this is a reflection of how you come at these bitches

I'm not the run of the mill model

I'm that rare find

Friday, February 7, 2014

Sorry

I have to be this way.
I don't know how else to be...

If I didn't make such drastic moves
We would just be stuck in the same sad situation.
Mad at each other cuz nothing has changed in 4years.

I told you I was gonna leave.
Next i''ll disappear
Eventually I'll barely be a memory
Finally you'll forget me

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Deep down

When I'm up in the middle of the night

I think about u.

I think about u a lot I just try to brush it off.

I never loved someone so much

I've never been this frustrated by a man

Never mentally exhausted myself like this.

I loved the kid

But we couldn't make it work. ..

Can't say I don't miss u tho.

The one person that knows more about me then my own best friend.

I love you

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Briefly

I thought about calling you.

Then I woke the fuck up

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Go head now!

So Santana has Saturday school: / and his school bus doesn't run on Saturday...

He rode his bike all the way there!

He is gettin so big! Can't believe he's going to Jr high next year.... Cray

He is my little man of the house there is so much I couldn't do without him.

So blessed for him.

Real life

Friday, January 31, 2014

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Slow deep long sigh

Single parenting is the hardest thing you can ever do.

Being a parent in general is hard but being the one and only source for everything is hard.
Only source of love, income, advice, punishment... it become draining, some days I Just can't handle it I feel overwhelmed.

I wish I had freedom and there's so much I would have done different but I love my kids to death. Ijs

I never got to do the dating, clubbing, bar scene.

I had my first son at 18

It was all about him thereafter

I wish I would've had more to offer my kids.

More education,  life experience.

But GOD is masterful who am I to question...

I just pray LORD help me get thru this cuz Santana only 10 my youngest 1 and I got a cold diva in between those two.

Breathing deeply

It's crazy cuz even now you know as a parent you have no privacy.

Your kids always gonna hate who you date.

Romance is like out the door

It's easier to not date
Cuz dating with kids is so mega complicated.

What day is it?

Sigh

Goodnight/goodmorning

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

It's the small things

My Martin collection is complete.

I own all seasons of Martin so I started from season one over the weekend me and the kids have been Rollin!

Gonna restart my entourage next...

Love watching movies with my babes.

We watched captain Phillips the other day

About 2009 Somali pirates

I love movies based on true stories because life is so much stranger than fiction

Monday, January 27, 2014

Sometimes

You just gotta show yourself a good time
;)

I am

So bored right now it's not even funny

I need some action and excitement.

I need some peeple to come thru and create an environment one time.

Where the scene at?

Smh... lacking

Sunday, January 26, 2014

He's mine

You might have had him once
But I got him all the time

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Monday, January 20, 2014

One

Today my youngest son turns one...

I love my baby.

The blessing I NEVER thought I would ever have.

He gives me so much joy everyday

I just love kissing and holding and smelling him

I love you Doopa
(Poor Sloan... baby when will we use your real name)
Lil Archie macnair in the flesh

The bottomless pit that might actually love food more than mommy...

Here's lookin at you kid

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Concert

My son Santana and my daughter Amil is serenading me with kanye west

Hey mama....

Awwww I'm special 

Friday, January 17, 2014

Dang

Just saw like a super thriller
Suspense
Whatever you wanna call it. It was so bomb!

Beginning to end

Bomb plot
Storyline

Cast
Producers

I'm left speechless

Glad I saw that

Movie head
And foodie
 


My life

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

:(

Went back to the Dr cuz I still feel like shit.
Got a chest x Ray.
I have pneumonia you guys.

They gave me another albuterol treatment
2shots in my butt
A anti biotic and something to open my lungs.

Cough syrup
More antibiotics
An inhaler and
more medicine

Guess I wasn't lying when I said I felt like I was dying

Its a cold world

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Thank you LORD

For the albuterol and promethezine you have blessed me with. I know I'll feel a 1 real soon. Thank you for being a constant in my life. And saving my butt way more times than I deserve. I love you

Sunday, January 12, 2014

When a woman's Fed up

You can tell because
There's no rationalizing
No pain
No tears
No thoughts at all really

Total indifference.

That's when the heart is absolutely disconnected
No more second

Or third chances

No talking
Laughing

Wishing each other happy holidays

Just 2 people that may or may not pass each other on these streets.

And who may or may not speak if you do see them

Springs afoot

So, spring is coming!

Ladies, we all know what goes down in spring. Ladies hopefully your body is gettin right for this heat coming soon!
I can't wait! Finna be so t u r n t

Guys is finna get there ritualistic spreading of their peacock plumage together and start to try to impress with finnese I hope.

Time for tank tops, booty shorts, tattoos, and drinks.

Clubs.
Sleeping in late
Up all night.

Money making
All that.

Can't wait

Cuz it's already warming up ;)

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Finna give this head

To my begging pillow. #rest

If you want some decent dick

but no commitment. .. call the niggas I used to fuck wit. That's all they know

Right

That number is invalid type shit

Um you might wanna stop

Web stalking...

And get yo life.

Cuz the past got passed on

Let me explain

I might think about u from time to time. But my life plan is bulletproof with or without you

Hap sat

Be blessed. I know I am.

Highly favoured by GOD.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Ephesians

http://bible.com/1/EPH6.12.KJV For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Bible.com/app

One day

I'll make my parents and family cry as I stand at the alter before them and everyone that means something to me. And say I do. To the man I will spend the rest of my life with...

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Thank GOD

HE is so bomb.
Kept my unconventional ass outta real ass trouble today.

Thank you JESUS

Promise I won't do it again

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Saturday, January 4, 2014

What do you guys think

About the whole writing your own vows thing?

New people

Only new names, faces, people and places will get my new number...

You're not none of that...

Lol

Um my own mama don't have a # on me this year...

Not that she won't...

But I'm sayin.

Where u think you stand in the scheme of things...

Not in my camp.

I'm finna breathe so easy my nigga straight up

I can be unreachable when I wanna be.

Gone like shit on black friday

If you cant

Love me for ME fuck off
That's why I left you in the past
You're not good enough to share my future.

Fuck boy
Fuck nigga

Friday, January 3, 2014

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Thankssssss

To all my solid, real ones that hold me down

I love all of you