Monday, December 30, 2013

I cant

And won't ever try to comprehend a bitch ass nigga.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Farewell.

It's finally time.
Finnaly here
Farewell time
I've built in this apartment for 7 years.
I've laughed and cried.
Yelled and screamed.
Even moaned oooooooops lol

But it's still time to say goodbye

I will always remember how far this place has taken me.

Thank you LORD

Saturday, December 28, 2013

I hurt myself today. To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing thats real

I

Have the worst taste in men...

Friday, December 27, 2013

My twin

My resolution

For this upcoming year I am placing great value on myself... I haven't given out my new number to many...

I got a newnew thing coming soon

Newer # lmao
Anyways um.

Finally got my place! thank you Jesus!

Been packing all day.
Should be outta here next week. Bringing in the new year with a new #...
New place
New car
New me

New outlook.

Can't wait

It's not me

You can talk that shit and whatever but that's not me.

I ain't even finna say bye...

Please lames

For the new year...
KILL YOSELF

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Moving muscle

Anthony
Gilbert
Crim
Doo doo
Papi
Court
Bad baby
Sen
Santana
Pops
Quill
Skeeter
Kwana
Chris
Keon
Dana

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

THIS is the kind of love

... this is an example of the magnitude of how much I can love someone, cuz love TRULY is blind and unconditional...

Years after death, wife gives husband final Christmas gift - TODAY.com http://www.today.com/holidayguide/years-after-death-wife-gives-husband-final-christmas-gift-2D11792103
via @todayshow

It's crazy cuz I have people available to be with...
Or at least willing to try I guess....

My dumb ass still over in left field...

I call myself changing my #
All that....

Nigga callt and said happy Christmas type shit....

Killin meee
He fuckin make me smile tho...

Aye this nigga either make me smile or cry

Cold nigga

I would be lying if I said I didn't love his dirty draws tho

I miss him

He makes me laugh... just thinking about him...

He's my herby Lol

Happy Christmas again. And let me tell you

Just let the people you love be in your life
God will stake them in your heart and life

Merry Christmas

For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

Happy holidays everybody.

It's here.

Ending the old beginning the new.

Xoxo

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

.....

I know a guy
That knows a guy

Last mission

On the way to change my # and shake haters.

Thanks for all the shade but I'm good

Real life

In real life my brother is a trick

He has no idea what he's lost.

EVERYONE

EVERYBODY

EVERYTHING

I have a few brothers none named Taj...

So sad.

But necessary

I told y'all 2014 was gonna be a cold year.

Its cold
Its lonely

All by yourself

Wow.

So Doopa father got in contact today...

He's so reliable. :/ nooot

Most of the time. Hmmmmmm

What to think? What to do?
How to feel?

He is gonna be here this weekend...
Then what?

Monday, December 23, 2013

Impossible

You can't find New love,
Holding onto an old flame

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Self reminder

Some people can only be in my heart not My life

Saturday, December 21, 2013

God is grand

So the Lord woke me up today and surprised me. Sen is coming after all... thank you Jesus! !! You come right on time thank you. My Christmas is complete. And new years is starting right!!! Hallelujah

This 1 dude

Man i really miss my nigga
We don't get along tho
Unless we go thru long stretches of time without seeing each other
Otherwise all we do is argue.

We have our good times tho. As rare as they are... lol

When we get it right, heaven on earth...

Even though we argue all the time he's my best friend.

I miss him right now.
I stay busy.
It helps.

But I miss this nigga man.
It hurts. 

Might as well write about it since I can't talk about it.

Can't even pretend to show Santana n them that I might be hurting...
I have to look like everything is all together
Even tho I feel it's all fallen apart.
That shit hurts my heart.

Dam might as well start smoking cigarettes again.

Life without him.

Death sentence anyways.

I miss my nigga

Thursday, December 19, 2013

12 days

Only a mere 12 days until the new year.
Time has truly flown by.

Its crazy how much can happen in a year.

How much can unhappen.

I'm taking the new year by the horns.

My whole thing is.
We only live once.

So you know what?
U wanna smoke cigarettes do it.

Draw graffiti

Ho
Pimp

Smuggle.

Do you
What makes you happy inside

I've spent my life trying to please others but this next year is going to me.

And I intend to show my ass like I've never shown it before ladies and gentlemen.
So to you all I say.

Have a wonderful next 12 days of 2013.

And may your next year be righteous.

Blessed

Kick ass

Bomb

CraY

Everything you've ever wanted.
And more

With attitude go claim it.

Omgggggg

Mind gone

Fantasizing

Deeeeeeeep loooooong breath

;)

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Christmas

This is a Christmas card that got hung on my door this morning... from a man that was in intensive care and on life support just a week ago. God is too gracious. God bless you Jerry Johns.: ) you are a blessing in my life

The wisest thing I've heard all year

Sometimes you just have to accept that some people can only be in your heart, not in your life.

(That is church right there.)

Wow

U guys the blessings that are falling into my lap it's just unbelievable! GOD is so so amazing and worthy...
I can't praise Him enough.

I have my ups and downs.

Things sometimes don't go the way I want them to.

But I'm not the one with the plan. GOD is.

His plans are divine.

When I allow myself to receive my blessings it's a wonderful feeling.

I hope this holiday season is as good as mine has been so far. GOD bless

Monday, December 16, 2013

I asked

For a sign from God.

I received it.

Free

Free donjerele...

Praying for a quick return home

Peek inside

If I was to give you a peek inside of my soul

You would be just as lost as me

Some days you can't keep me down
I smile from ear to ear
Everything is either perfect
Or will work itself out

I feel loved
Smart
Loved Loved loved

I feel like I have a handle on things..

The next I'm scared

Alone

Trying to figure out the next 5 seconds of my life

I'm dragging everyone down
I have no purpose

I never know which me im gonna be

Its so hard

Because of the unpredictability of my moods

It makes me not wanna have anyone near me

Even the people I love

Even if there is someone willing to hang in there with me
They usually want to understand

How can u understand something I don't

I don't even like to think about it
Let alone talk and feel and explore it

So where does that leave me?

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Dec 15, 13

We always think the last time we see someone, or say something to somebody for the last time... like I always think it's supposed to be life changing or profound...

That shit be regular.

Actually like less than what you've built it up to be...

It is a strange, cold, curious world

End of 13

Well people. Here we are... 9 days away from Christmas. 2 weeks from the new year.

This year all in all has been great.
It's not ending the way I thought

But I'm accepting and moving forward.

So so so many new changes coming soon.

Happy holidays everyone
Make it count

Repost the REAL story of Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

A man named Bob May, depressed and brokenhearted, stared out his drafty apartment window into the chilling December night.

His 4-year-old daughter Barbara sat on his lap quietly sobbing. Bob's wife, Evelyn, was dying of cancer. Little Barbara couldn't understand.

Why her mommy could never come home. Barbara looked up into her dad's eyes and asked, "Why isn't Mommy just like everybody else's Mommy?" Bob's jaw tightened and his eyes welled with tears. Her question brought waves of grief, but also of anger. It had been the story of Bob's life. Life always had to be different for Bob.

Small when he was a kid, Bob was often bullied by other boys. He was too little at the time to compete in sports. He was often called names he'd rather not remember. From childhood, Bob was different and never seemed to fit in. Bob did complete college, married his loving wife and was grateful to get his job as a copywriter at Montgomery Ward during the Great Depression. Then he was blessed with his little girl. But it was all short-lived. Evelyn's bout with cancer stripped them of all their savings and now Bob and his daughter were forced to live in a two-room apartment in the Chicago slums. Evelyn died just days before Christmas in 1938.

Bob struggled to give hope to his child, for whom he couldn't even afford to buy a Christmas gift. But if he couldn't buy a gift, he was determined to make one - a storybook! Bob had created an animal character in his own mind and told the animal's story to little Barbara to give her comfort and hope. Again and again Bob told the story, embellishing it more with each telling. Who was the character? What was the story all about? The story Bob May created was his own autobiography in fable form. The character he created was a misfit outcast like he was. The name of the character? A little reindeer named Rudolph, with a big shiny nose. Bob finished the book just in time to give it to his little girl on Christmas Day. But the story doesn't end there.

The general manager of Montgomery Ward caught wind of the little storybook and offered Bob May a nominal fee to purchase the rights to print the book. Wards went on to print, Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer and distribute it to children visiting Santa Claus in their stores . By 1946 Wards had printed and distributed more than six million copies of Rudolph. That same year, a major publisher wanted to purchase the rights from Wards to print an updated version of the book.

In an unprecedented gesture of kindness, the CEO of Wards returned all rights back to Bob May. The book became a best seller. Many toy and marketing deals followed and Bob May, now remarried with a growing family, became wealthy from the story he created to comfort his grieving daughter. But the story doesn't end there either.

Bob's brother-in-law, Johnny Marks, made a song adaptation to Rudolph. Though the song was turned down by such popular vocalists as Bing Crosby and Dinah Shore, it was recorded by the singing cowboy, Gene Autry.

"Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer"
Was released in 1949 and became a phenomenal success, selling more records than any other Christmas song, with the exception of "White Christmas."

The gift of love that Bob May created for his daughter so long ago kept on returning back to bless him again and again. And Bob May learned the lesson, just like his dear friend Rudolph, that being different isn't so bad. In fact, being different can be a blessing.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

basic

I think i know how to deal with you.
By treating you basic.
Theres nothing special or unique about you anymore

Just another notch on the belt as they say.

Because i can never be tamed anyways

We tried it failed and basically
Im choosing a different reality.

Two people living seperate lives.
Crossing paths from time to time.

As long as i can always realize
that fact will always be true

I wont have to get over you

Because i wont be under you.

That life is over friend.

Almost 10 years later

Same circumstances

No movement

Not even a nudge

No progression...

Just added frustration

Depression

So when that other man steps in

Even though hes not you

A basic decision will have to be made

For my Happiness

Outside of you.

Friendships change...

Regress

Everything from the past changes into regret

And all of the sudden your new life

Hasnt a splinter of me in it. Kids or otherwise.

Just me and my husband

You and your wife.

I'll only hear stories about you after that

Sending you well wishes thru others

Oh Tell him we said hi.

Them rather. ..

The future

It Isnt as complicated as i thought.

Quite predictable actually.

You said it yourself

Youve thought it

And when it happens you wont be shocked.

Because of the cicumstances there is only one answer

So lets just keep it basic

Theres 2 things that wont change.
Life and death.

We live whatever life we choose

And then we die.

See how basic that is.

Who cares about a phone call?

It wont change my life

Cant stop my death...

So why do it?

Ill never understand

My life is moving so fast
Too fast for you man.

14, 10, 4, 10 months...

How much more do you have to miss out on?

Cant you realize we already are living diffrent lives


You lived that other life with the other one

Now youre scared.

Ran off

Unsure

Old news.


Theres other people that like who i am

Say how they feel

Knoww how to be real

Do all the basics you wouldn't Do

It could've been you if you wanted it to.

Good thing all the confusion is gone

With a basic friendship


The fun is done

The chit chat is over

Ignore has been set

It shoudnt even matter

Better yet

Just pretend that im gone

Cuz emotionally its that

Just your basic run of the mill breakup

Just a basic part of life


Theres not a reason for a million goodbyes.

Just cut and dry.

Go live your life.

Love is a circumstantial lie.

Goodbye.

Voicemail Voicemail

Till i die.

Soon enough youll get pre occupied

With another love.

And Live your dreamlife.

We'll eventually have to severe ties.

So lets do it now friend

Accept goodbye.

Just Another basic part of life.

-chase




Thursday, December 12, 2013

I woke up and cried
Now it's time to say goodbye

I have been fighting for so long

For love

Sanity

Peace.

I can't fight anymore.

I give up on my struggles.

I lost a ugly war

All I wanted was a little more.

I was denied peace

I hate this life

So much sorrow

Hatred

No one cares.

We are all dying.

Some much sooner than others

Ideation

Suicidal

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

dec 11 13

Take a message im not in a right state of mind
Closed from the world it never used to be this way
Hate is a relative word.
2moro is another day overwhelmed with sadness...
A cheap expression of love given to me by a sinner
Lift me up
Or crush me with one hand....

Love is just something you say...

Monday, December 9, 2013

The funeral

Today is sad because I'm putting to rest a friend.

One of my best friends... I thought.

But he didn't think so.

It's crazy.

You never know a person.

But nevertheless this person is gone.

Its tragic to me but life continues.

I have to be strong now for the kids.

THATS WHAT HE MEANT

I didn't get it then but I get it now.

Rest in peace my old friend

You are missed

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Karim

Thank u so much for always being there for me somehow.

Thru distance

Marriages

Kids

Life

You are a solid man and I am so blessed to know you.

Thank you so much for loving me unconditionally you make me cry tears of happiness.

I love u

Dead

Gone is the fantasy.
The hope

The dream.

Lost steam.

Lost life.

Strange

Everyone is "dying"

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Day won!

Today's the first weekend in my "NEW" year. Last night wasn't bad. But today will be better and everyday will get easier and easier. With the new year coming its only a matter of time before I'm gonna have to move etc. I can't wait. I have so many old memories  in this place I just wanna start over. So my do over is coming up. My second chance. So. Go out enjoy your life. Factor bullshit out. Leave the past in your past. Have a blessed weekend stay warm. And to everyone who got cut off. Don't take it personal. You knew it was coming.

Bye

Friday, December 6, 2013

Love!

Most ppl wouldn't know nothing about this. Me and my oldest sons dad best buds...! Bestbest

Fam

Ask

I've learned as a woman. The only way to get the answers you need. Is to ask those hard questions.  don't be afraid of the truth.

Accept what's real

My blessings

I have 4blessings that run my life

They have been blessing me for over 14 years.

My children

I love my kids more than anything in the world.

Not a fan of baby daddy's...

I handle my own...

Shot out to Karim  Hassan Anderson tho.
The bestest co parent I could ask for. ..

We go thru our shit but a special blended family we are. And I love us for that.
Wyana I couldn't ask for a better step mother to my son I love talking to you.... you are a special woman

Other than the few people I lean on. I call on myself for most situations.

To get my 4kids I have been thru a lot.

I've been lied to, cheated on, spit on, had fones  broken, got yelled at, called police,  been almost pushed out of a moving car and even had money stolen from me.

But thru it all. I stand tall
I stand alone

And I stand by my kids.

I think that's what God needs me for. To love his babies. Birth them. Grow with them.

I cannot tell what is going to happen 2moro but I hope I can remain blessed by Jesus and live thru his blood.

Love your kids.

Thru bad grades, suspensions, broken bones and all.

Weather the storm to get the rainbow

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Be

Be the comfort needed.

The arms that need to be felt.

The best friend I need

The one that thinks the world of me

My savior.

The one that I run to

The one that will fix the wrong doings of the world.

Not a frenemy.

Not someone secretly taking shots at me.

Creating doubt.

My friend told me today that people change when they wanna change for something they want.

I guess so.

Anyways I've had a long weird twisted day.

I'm sick...

Millions of people get sick everyday... but only I get ridiculed and questioned behind it.

Enjoy life everybody

Rest on peace madiba

Simple

I'm tired of the drama.
Uncertainty.

Disillusioned.

I'm starting my new year early.

I've blocked people in my phone.

Number changing soon thank God.

I just am too weak to fight the fight anymore.

I lose

I give up

This year brought a lot of change to me. 

I'm living without people I thought I needed.

I've cut ties with almost everyone I know..

I am leaving my loved ones behind. And I'm gonna discover who the real, alone, me is.

unaltered

I feel like everything is different.

I don't want what I did before.

Its harder doing the right thing.

So blocking u

And forgetting

As hard as it may be.

It will be done

We prevent ourselves from moving on.

When there are people coming around just to hear your voice and ask how you're feeling.
What u been up to?

How are you?

I'm concerned.

I care

I'm here.
I'm here for YOU.

Maybe it's not about sex

Its about friendship.

Who cares enough to be at your door?

I am closing my revolving door.

And I'm not gonna look back from here on out. 
Blinders on my eyes.

May deafness fall upon fake professions.

I have all I need to keep me happy safe and warm.

Cutting out the lifecycles

Happy holidays everybody.

Thank you Lord.

Lol

These cats is characters out here. You are a father but not in our eyes. Only in theirs! They is not we. And you is not part of our future

Free donjarele

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Free donjarelle tho

Back to ground zero

They say when you're in a panic or place of distraught you go to where you feel comfortable.

Here I am....

I've abandoned fb and Twitter for the time being.

I've abandoned everybody.

You are 86d.

Banished.

The year is closing.

New beginnings

Old relationships ending.

Even without closer.

Sad but true.

GOD is greater than me thankfully

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Since last time

Well the baby is 8 months. Sen is 14, santana 10, and amil 4... this year has floooown bye. I cant believe the holiday season is here. I am very grateful.  I have alot im thankful for.  Alot of changes. New beginnings and a new way of seeing things.  I hope to become a better person
With Halloween around the corner and thanksgiving and Christmas right after... I feel blessed