Sunday, March 25, 2012


On February 26, 2012, 17-year-old Trayvon Martin went out to buy some snacks at the nearby 7-Eleven. George Zimmerman, the neighborhood watch captain in a small gated community in Sanford, Florida, was driving around in his SUV.

Zimmerman called 911, saying Martin looked "real suspicious"--i.e., he was a young Black male, walking around in a hoodie. After the 911 dispatcher told Zimmerman not to pursue the youth, Zimmerman followed Trayvon Martin, got out of his car and then confronted Martin. Zimmerman was carrying a 9-millimeter handgun. Trayvon Martin was carrying a bag of Skittles and a can of iced tea. There was yelling, then a gunshot. Trayvon Martin lay face down in the grass with a fatal bullet wound to the chest. Zimmerman was taken into custody, questioned and released. To this day, he has not been arrested and charged with any crime.

It is very good and very important that people, not only in Sanford, Florida, but all over the country, are outraged by the murder of Trayvon Martin and are making their outrage known in many different and creative forms of protest. It is also important that, in connection with the murder of Trayvon Martin, the memory of Emmett Till--wantonly murdered by white supremacists decades ago--is being raised to express the fact that people have seen this go on for far too long and will not stand by to see it happen yet again.

At the same time, the fact that yet another Emmett Till moment can arise--that yet another outrage of this kind can take place--today, more than 50 years after the original Emmett Till lynching, and that this murder of Trayvon Martin is not an isolated incident but only the latest of an endless chain of such acts that are perpetrated, condoned and covered up by the powers-that-be, shows very powerfully that, this time around, we must not settle for anything less than stopping this, once and for all--we must build a movement to really and finally put an end to these and countless other outrages that spew forth from this system, by sweeping away this system through revolution. This is deadly serious and we must take this up very seriously

what a weekend

sooo, half of the weekend is over lol

as usual it cracked

and we was off the chain lmao

had unexpected company like all kinda shit

amil got spoiled

and now i at least get to rest until august.

(on the birthday situation)

as always feeling extra blessed
and favoured

im sleeping very little got alot to think about

life takes some serious curve balls

like right in front of u

the road will fork and

where u thought u were goin

isnt even where u end up landing

im just enjoying the ride

Friday, March 23, 2012


so, cali is gonna be on its way to me :)

my mom, m.i.l. , my son, and i think my cousin pam...

my lil niecy couldnt make it out here :( thass cold

maaaaaybe the b.m might change her mind...

im praying on it.

so otherwise im not having to many complaints!!!

totally did NOT have drama!! which is a good thing cuz who likes drama??

amil got some cool gifts

a pretty pink bike, and some princess gear as you could see from her pictures...

not sure all what else we saving for the party.

so i cant WAIT to see senikah

everytime we get on the freeway amil thinks we're on the way to the airport to pick up sen

lil smart butt!

she misses him sooooooo much!

i know she cant wait till summer time!!


so anyways not here to do a whole lotta talking.

im having guests this weekend so of course im cleaning

and washing towels etc etc


pillow cases LOL

so i must say i feel VERY BLESSED that i got what i never expected which was selflessness from someone that never displays that behavior

so to you i say, i applaud and i appreciate what u did

(or didnt do)

i think hopefully it might be a step towards common ground one day.

it was defintely a first step

so thank you

alright i gotta keep cleaning and washing

cuz yall know im old school and i got my own way of doing everything :)

♥ love life yall!!!!!

and happy birthday to my mom i.l. tweet tweet

i didnt know she was the day after amil ♥

thass why we so close

Thursday, March 22, 2012

happy birthday AMIL

so its amilly's birthday today

she is a fabulous diva like her mother LOL

she's loving life and she knows she is spoiled by everyone she encounters

she is the most beautiful little girl ever made,

and i am grateful to GOD for her

all bows to ms. sisali ♥

Tuesday, March 20, 2012


lol i named this blog title because my titles never even match what the fuck im talking about so who really cares what i call the shit right?

nigga the shit be truth if u really wanna but any WHOOOOOO

well people the clock is like all the way counted down...

today is my "niece" angelina birthday she's 9. one time for angie

(named after mua of cousre)

and on thursday is my baby girls 3rd smurfday

im expecting drama,

but praying for otherwise u dig?

but i dont know...

u know how it is dealing with retarded mutha fuckas... smh






babies everywhere OMG

and preggos all around!!!

im glad ive done all ima do in my life LOL cuz boy

everytime i even see a pregnant person i feel sorry for her lol

the reward and the payoff is DEF worth it.

but i am the ugliest thing walking when im pregnant LOL

my kids comeout

so i guess that leaves ME bein the ugmo for 9 months LOL

cold game.

so, anyways...

spring is here now all i gotta do is wait for summer cause i cant wait to get sen

and go camping, let my hair down, maybe catch a lil tan ;)

i gotta toast this almondy stuff LOL



aye im funny to me LOL

nigga be lowkey rollin all alone type shit

im my own bestfriend hehehehehe

and i even be trippin on me

cotton mouth

well anyways everybody have a blessed day

no matter what you're goin thru today or in this point in your life

be ever STILL grateful that you woke up today WITH a struggle

because a lot of people struggle's ended yesterday

an hour ago

this minute

now dont get me wrong i get my stress on like everybody else.

(i know the ppl that know me well is like HAAAAA)

i know i can be a little dramatic LOL

but still try to always humble yourself and KNOW that there i literally millions that have it a thousand times worse than you.

me and my friend were taking shots last night and we're both goin through our little shit

but we toasted to "having it good!" because we both know that there are so many that have it worse than us.

love where you are today in life, where ever that may be

whoever you might be with"

love it

Thursday, March 15, 2012


so im watching how i met your mother

its the episode where ted was waiting for the slutty pumpkin

and robin, (who always reminds myself of me)

was on a halloween date

but wasnt into her date at all

he wanted to dress up as hansel and gretel

he showed up and hansel

she wore no costume

he wanted to feed her off his plate

she wouldnt let him

and everytime he said the word we
she corrected him with
you and i

and he ended up leaving their date early and dumping her

because she didnt wanna be with him as much as she wanted to be alone

she enjoyed HIM

but enjoyed being single more than that

and she asked ted

what was wrong with her?

she said she WANTED the love, and closeness and being goofy and silly with someone

but when she found herself in the position to do that

she didnt

she was actually mean about it

and thats how i feel

i feel exactly like robin

i want aaaaaaaaall that

the fairytale

but when i have someone offering that

even throwing themselves at me

i get real scared.

the advise ted gave her was that he's out there she just hasnt met him yet

he said that when she meets him she'll WANT to be goofy

want to be a we

want to share dessert and eat off each others plate

and fall asleep in each others arms

have you ever had a connection like that with someone??

it is so unreal
and spiritual

the minutes the hours and days and weeks and years

all equal the same amount of time

time stands still.
you could sleep all day in their arms,

you smell their neck, their armpits

you breathe them in deep and its literally like you're in heaven
almost scared to open your eyes and let the moment fade

you look at them and smile

you think about them and remember

you look at them and your soul throws a thousand words

you have to touch them

you have to know its real

you listen to them talk all day just to hear his voice.

you stare at that same picture that never gets old

you replay that last conversation you had

and you plan everyday of the rest of your life with them

you even factor in death (well i do ) LOL


when you have had something that great and lost it

when that chance comes around again


anyone that knows me
knows i give my entire heart and soul to the people i love

i cant separate myself from them

i become one with them

and its emotionally tolling

because even when you get attached to the wrong person

it becomes hard to separate from them

so you finally leave the situation

now you're alone

and want that connection again

but youre not sure if youre gonna take that gamble again

at least thats what it is for me right now

and i sit here and i ask myself the same question robin just asked herself

am i ever gonna take that chance again

am i ever gonna have that sacred love again like i had before?

its a hard tale to tell.

and who really knows the outcome.

we all are wired to be who GOD created us to be.

im still trying to relax give my life to GOD, let HIM steer and just enjoy the ride

i wanna be comfortable with me
and my wiring :)

updating the requirements

so im sitting here enjoying a quiet morning to myself,\

kinda in thought.

im been talking to GOD alot and im trying to see whos being sent to me as a distraction and who is sent to me from GOD

you know its crazy in life we end these relationships, friendships and bonds

and we think we're never gonna see that person, talk to them, hear their voice

and then outta nowhere they are shoved back into your life

i recently got back in touch with the first boyfriend i ever had,

my "first" u know (v word)

this man has professed love for me for over 15 years.

even though we loose contact, we always reconnect

he has been literally calling my children his kids for 12 years.

after i had my oldest son, he always embraced him
and to this day

he embraces me and all 3 of my kids

he wants kids with me

he wants a daughter LOL he got sons but no girl

he said he wants to look at me forever

take care of me forever

make up for the past 15 years

he says ive been fighting it for too long and that we should be together

he wants to move in

be a family

he wants everything i want

so why isnt my decison easy??

have i been fighting him for 15 years?

are we truly soul mates, meant to be together and take care of each other until we have to go back home to GOD?

ive always been the sole provider for my kids.
well KAY and i

we're kinda like a team lol

im laughing right now cuz our family is very abstract

but i know that i need someone in my life for ME

i deserve it

and if theres someone

willing to sell their soul almost

break there back day in and day out just to see you smile

y would i deny myself that??

maybe it IS time for me to let my gaurds down and really see where this can go

because in this life you have to have someone everyday to support you and build up what the world has stripped from you

someone to nurture you and uplift your soul

someone that can make you feel like the richest woman alive

the most beautiful

the smartest

the most capable

i dont think that i am any of these things

but i know someone that thinks i am ALL of those things

his attraction to me before was kinda annoying i have to be real

but when u realize that there are very few people that will put you ahead of themselves,

all the calls and texts, and messages back and forth dont seem so annoying anymore

it makes me feel special
that out of his busy day he still has time to call

that he asks about "his" kids

he hasnt ever seen a picture of me and hasnt told me i wasnt beautiful

he's never seen me in person and hadnt done everything in his power to make me blush

maybe its time to update the requirements i give myself

cuz i am a DAMN good woman

with a heart of gold

and i need someone that knows that
and realizes it
appreciates it

wants it

if a man wants to leave nothing can make him stay.
and when a man truly loves you, nothing can keep him away ♥

u have to have someone that you can talk to
laugh with
feel safe to be embarrassed around

you have to be able to tell them your deepest fears

cry on them

is how your souls are gonna stay connected

without communication you have NOTHING

my heart thought i had something
but it was deceiving me

because like i said without communication you have NOTHING

and i lost the communication with this person

the road split

but thats ok,

it just means that we are on 2 different roads

and when that happens
naturally the next step is loss of communication

loss of the bond

loss of love

communication can be the difference between you telling the story about "the one"
and "the one who got away"

communicate people

share you soul with people

In time

so, i finally saw that justin timberlake movie

i wasnt disappointed like i thought i would be.

i was actually really impressed with their underlying message

and the parallels they gave in reference to our monetary system and hierarchy systems.

it all made sense to me.

me coming from the hood the "ghetto" or whatever

we always wonder why lets say the police dont respond fast to a crime in the hood

but will respond in seconds if that same crime is done in a rich neighborhood

why dont that care when the poor are robbing the poor?
cause it doesnt fuck with their system

its all the same money (money produced and circulated in the hood)

but when you take outside money like steal from the rich and bring it to the ghetto thats when people have a problem with shit.

he said something really profound to me in the movie

he said it doesnt matter how much time (money) we have or have much we steal as long as they keep raising the price of living

rings a striking resemblance on whats goin on now doesnt it??

yeah we have black doctor's and politicians, and people in power.

but does them making more money count when the cost of living is raised in such a way?

it ensures that the people ALREADY in extreme wealth stay there

and people from middle class to lower class families stay in their social classes

it was crazy to me because it was like that movie was speaking a secret language to me

but i understood every word

i see you

the rich get to take their time and enjoy things more slowly

while the poor are scrambling and literally trying to live the next day

the movie shows extreme consequences (death)

but its not that far from reality

the poor probably do feel like theyre closer to death than the rich

they have to do whatever they can to survive

while the rich do whatever they can

deep shit

i'd take being a poor, broke vigilante anyday

i wanna be apart of the struggle
not part of the problem

Monday, March 12, 2012


soooo with spring here i take it everyone got SPRING FEVER

lol i was talking to my bestie about all these men im encountering lately

and all their different methods of them getting me to notice them...

she said that the male birds around this time (spring)

start flying all around, fluffing up there feathers and spreading there plumage lol
trying to look colorful and attractive lol
she said the men are doing the same thing hehehehe i wonder if thats true LOL

well, regardless. its all interesting to watch

i only wonder what the outcome is gonna be,
and it makes me think

what do we as women do around spring to attract others?

do we do our mating dance too?

are we getting ready for summer?

someone once told me that men always break up around summer so they can be single in the summertime

aint that fucked up LOL

how shallow is that?

must be that "single" life,


because u cant break up with true love,... ... love like that

men arent gonna leave there wives for a summer fling

(hopefully) cause some of these men is very TRIFE

all i can say is that it hurts to have to end a relationship

i think relationships are hard for everybody

i believe a major part of even STAYING together is really wanting that person

you can want someone ALL wrong for you

but if you have that yearning for them

youre gonna want them for the rest of your life

you gonna stick up for them, you gonna fight that fight!!

and im not saying thats a good place to be.

its a real place.

......... wow i dont even know what else to say ....

i know in my life ive been the one hurt

and ive also hurt alot of people

not intentionally

but when matters of the heart come into play, the rules get real wiggly and blurry

i apologize to anyone i may have hurt

anyone that knows me knows thats not my style.

somebody told me that i dont allow myself to be happy.

its hard.

my joy usually comes from other people.

very particular people
but these special people play vital roles in my life

i cant live without them

theyre like air



i am truley blessed to even have people like this in my life and it scares me

because then death comes into my mind

and i worry about them leaving me

or me leaving them

and the thought of sharing a whole life with someone and then us having to separate

scares me enough to not even want that life.

because i never want to hurt the people that i love

life seems so cruel and twisted to me sometimes.

its like we're born, we grow, we have relationships, kids, we grow attached to all these people we love and then one day without any warning we have to leave all of them

it hurts.

cherish today

cherish your family

and your kids

and the people you just cant live without

because one cruel day u will...

u will have to live without them

and u dont want a lot of why didnt i's milling around your mind and soul

you wanna know you did EVERYTHING YOU COULD

to let the people you love KNOW that you loved them

cause money and cars

they wont remember that

you want them to remember your laugh

your smile

your smell

all the things i remember ♥

enjoy life everybody stay blessed

Saturday, March 3, 2012

stay with you

We've been together for a while now
We're growing stronger everyday now
It feels so good and there's no doubt
I will stay with you
as each morning brings the sunrise
And the flowers bloom in springtime
On my love you can rely
i will stay with you

Oh I will stay with you through the ups and the downs
Oh I will stay with you when no one else is around
And when the dark clouds arrive
I will stay by your side
for I know we'll be alright
I will stay with you

Though relationships can get old
They have the tendency to grow cold
We have something like a miracle
Yeah, and I'll stay with you

Oh I will stay with you through the ups and the downs
Oh will stay with you when no one else is around
And when the dark clouds arrive
I will stay by your side
oh I know we'll be alright
I will stay with you

there will be heartaches and pains, yes it will
But through it all, we will remain
In this life, we all know
Friends may come, and they may go
but Through the years I know
I will stay
And in the end I know that we'll find
Love so beautiful and divine
We'll be lovers for a lifetime, yeah
And I'll stay with you
I will stay with you

Oh I will stay with you through the ups and the downs
Oh I will stay with you when no one else is around
And when the dark clouds arrive
I will stay by your side
oh I know we'll be alright
I will stay with you
yes Everything will be fine
And I will stay with you
Through the end of all time
I will stay with you

john legend

learning how to understand GOD

so you guys know i poured my little heart out the other day,

and then the next day like some lowkey shit went down

so im thinking i got a bad sign
bad news

totally the OPPOSITE of what i was asking GOD

and i was kinda mad about the shit


then GOD spoke to me thru someone else

and the message HE delivered almost made my cry

tears of sheer JOY

because now i know that everything ive been doing the past few years isnt in vein

and i feel like the plan that i had once built

the plan that faded

suddenly jumped right back in front of me

my hope came back

because i had lost ALL hope

i lost faith in love
and anybody that knows me
knows, im a hopeless romantic

LMAO like forreal tho

and that part of me had died.

and ima tell u smething even MORE personal
yall all know about my abstinence,
its been apart of my spiritual journey...

but lately ive been going out on dates, at least trying to open up to people

and i didnt even want to do that anymore.

i totally cut myself off from intimacy

and i couldnt figure out why,

im not anti sexual
anyone who knows me (extremely extremely well)
knows im not a prude like that

but lately i WAS that very prude

i thought that i was uncomfortable with closeness and intimacy but im not

i only want it with one person

and GOD needs me to be patient right now

and to continue to have faith in HIM

and the reason i know that he's the one

is because just at the thought of it all

i flutter ♥

i wish i could hear your laugh right now babe.

i will soon enough

i will forever

GOD has ordained us.

i have no fear.

i have complete FAITH in YOU

i hope that you have faith in me also

cuz even tho i miss you

i will knock the hell outta u if you try to trip when u see me ;)

i loooooooooove you to no end my guy

i aint even gonna get on the reality and the dirtiness of it all

cuz that shit had me crying earlier

another man had to try to make me smile after that
but you trust him with all your soul

so i know you wont mind

its gonna take me some time to get over that one

but i love you

so im gonna have to shake it
cuz you have the rest of your life to make it up to me and the kids

u have to make it up to santana too cuz he is so hurt

he'll never tell you

but he was disappointed when you didnt come when u said you were.

we all were crushed.

but anyways i hope to see you soon.

im holding the family down in your absence.

Friday, March 2, 2012

dready or not

so, its march!!!! march march march!
i got a total shocker, finding out a friend of mine from cali just moved up the street from me :)

he's rooming with me till his place is ready...

it feels good to have someone to talk to you know!?!?

ima enjoy it while it lasts,

also got some good news (i think) lol

we'll see how it plays out.

how good

or TRUE it really is.

what GOD has put together no man (or woman) can tear apart

and i am starting to see that more and more.

my baby is coming home :)

anyways, now this is a lesson in patience



Thursday, March 1, 2012

you get what you wish for

soooo i asked for a sign from GOD and i believe i got one.

i think GOD is giving me a lesson on letting go.

and opening new doors and oppurtunities for me.

i dont wanna deal with someone who doesnt know what they want

realize who they have in their life.

i am so cool on shit right now man.

i gotta dissappear for a while and start all the way over..

atlanta is looking really really good right now.

so is florida

and italy

i gotta re invent myself

i cant let someone steal my happiness when ive been filled with it for so long

you alone arent worth that.

they say we all gotta do what we gotta do.

and that includes ME

so i guess i'll still just date

and accept all the love from these other men

the love you dont have time to give

no bitter feelings.

just dont reach out to me anymore.

here goes NOTHIN

ok, so i think i have it semi figured out

which is probably more figured out than ive ever had it

and also i think the MOST that i can figure it out

because GOD has the ultimate plan

but my other HALF knows the other part of the plan that i dont know

and its time for him to come home, do his duties and his job, fulfill the promises that he made to me.

and let me make him happy and miserable everyday for the rest of his life.

its time for us to be married :)

i KNOW that i love this man

i have known that for a very very long time

and no matter how much i want to let him go

i cant

i want to stay mad

i cant

i miss him

but its not my place to tell him.

i think that he misses me too but his pride is bigger than him
*(if you can believe that one)

but when he reaches out to me he says the wrong thing. (smh)

maybe he's waiting for me to tell him that i love him.

how can i do that when im still so hurt over everything?

all i wanna do is cry

~~but i wanna cry in his big arms

putting it in the universe:

dear soulmate:

i thoroughly hate you

and love you a little more than that

if you are my soul mate.

then let GOD put in you the right words to say.

let GOD speak to me through you,

but let it not be false promises and lies

come home.

because i miss you

i love you

im lonely

ive been waiting along time

you have a family that has been waiting for you

i hope you're ready now

sometimes its now or never

if im worth it,

if you want me forever

let GOD know

because life is short.

but i want to laugh and smile

and clown with you

you are the only one i wanna marry and spend the rest of my life with

you are poetry to me baby

i could look at your smile all of my life

ive been waiting for you to grow up.
so i can be apart of your life.

and i think i waited to long
and i made some bad decisions in the past

and i have suffered from it
youve suffered from it.

i never ever meant to hurt you i swear to GOD...

i think to some extent we grew apart for a while

but i still am very much in love with you.

now you tell me sir...

after all these years is it love?

how can you love someone you dont see ORRRRRR
talk to


isnt that a flame lit from GOD?

if you hear me

if GOD talks to you and you talk to GOD

i can forgive and forget

its prolly gonna be akward

but they say if you love someone you gotta love all of them

im ready now.

i hope to hear from you

its in GOD'S hands now ♥

;) *wink