Saturday, April 30, 2011


Woke up this morning found a letter that she wrote
She said she's tired that I'm always on the road
To hard to swallow being alone
She needs someone at night that she can hold
She must have told me a thousand times before
Silent cries I use to ignore
God knows I love her
Didn't mean to hurt her

Baby I'll be
Sitting here waiting on you to come home again
I won't leave
Promise I'll be here to the very end
By your side
To protect you and to love you and to be with you for life
Come on home to me Charlene

She knows I really love this old music thang
Since I was a child it's been my dream
I can support her treat her and spoil her
You know buy her the finer things
But I forgot about loving her
Damn the money, diamonds and pearls
What about the hard day she had with the baby
All she need is for me to love her

Promise I can't live without her
God knows I need her loving
And it hurts so bad that's she gone
I pray that she'll come back one day
In my life

Oh oh oh
Sometimes I cry
Charlene if you're listening would you call on me
Because my heart is aching

Friday, April 29, 2011


isnt it ironic
how the choices u so effortlessly made are killing u?

your lonliness eats at you because no one can fill her small shoes

you didnt think about it back then did you?

the devil tricked you into giving up that relationship
you followed him so easily
you lay with him
then you wonder why you cant sleep

now u want everyone else to suffer behind your choices
the choices you made out of lust

neglecting your daughter

now no one cares about YOU

and you strip us of the few people who actually GIVE A FUCK

you TOOK the ear I can cry to
the shoulder i could lean on.

still have your head STUCK up your ASS

well you can TRY to strip whatever you want to
but soon you will have NO power at all

and that time is RIGHT now

i wash my hands of you
and your dirty blood money

the money you make selling your soul
selling it to the devil

Thursday, April 28, 2011

blessed beyond imagination

Living under GODs grace
soaked in the blessings HE showers me with

how miraculous is HE

forever the writer of fantastic fairytales
creator, definer

how can i fail with YOU?

i am no longer gonna worry about anything
because i know YOU are in COMPLETE control


i cant say it enough times


Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife
In my windpipe
I can't breathe
But I still fight
While I can fight

As long as the wrong feels right
It's like I'm in flight
High off a love
Drunk from the hate
It's like I'm huffing paint
And I love it the more that I suffer
I sufficate
And right before im bout to drown
She resuscitates me
She fucking hates me
And I love it

Where you going
I'm leaving you!!
No you ain't
Come back
We're running right back
Here we go again
It's so insane
Cause when it's going good
It's going great
I'm Superman
With the wind in his bag
She's Lois Lane
But when it's bad
It's awful
I feel so ashamed
I snap
Who's that dude
I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her
I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength

You ever love somebody so much
You can barely breathe
When you're with them
You meet
And neither one of you
Even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah them chills
Used to get 'em
Now you're getting fucking sick
Of looking n 'em
You swore you've never hit 'em
Never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face
Spewing venom
And these words
When you spit 'em
You push
Pull each other's hair
Scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down

Pin 'em
So lost in the moments
When you're in 'em
It's the rage that took over
It controls you both
So they say it's best
To go your separate ways
Guess that they don't know ya
Cause today
That was yesterday
Yesterday is over
It's a different day
Sound like broken records
Playin' over
But you promised her
Next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave
Out the window
Guess that's why they call it window PAIN

Now I know we said things
Did things
That we didn't mean
And we fall back
Into the same patterns
Same routine
But your temper's just as bad
As mine is
You're the same as me
But when it comes to love
You're just as blinded
Baby please come back
It wasn't you
Baby it was me
Maybe our relationship
Isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens
When a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is
I love you too much
To walk away though
Come inside
Pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity
In my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed
I'll aim my fist
At the dry wall
Next time
There will be no next time
I apologize
Even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games
I just want her back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
I'mma tie her to the bed
And set the house on fire

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie


im ready now self...
ready to embrace my new beginning

im ready for change!
a complete 360 of what my life has been thus far.

maybe the tarot reader was right...
maybe i am gonna move and get with someone in the military lol

i would have never thunk!
i hate military guys...

but maybe my diamond in the rough is waiting for me there...

about a year ago i was gonna marry and go to hawaii
its not sounding like a bad idea...

sometimes you have to just go for certain shit man

stand for something or fall for ANYTHING
im ready to stand for something
standing up for myself

GOD said i am worth far MORE than rubies.

i intend on living the REST of my life KNOWING how valuable i am

no longer will i accept this sub standard treatment, even from people i love

you gotta come correct man, be genuine
be thoughtful have some consideration

love as JESUS loved...

i said on my twitter one time before that it is gonna take one special kinda man to lock me down and KEEP ME happy

and that statement is TRUE TO DATE!!!

i know who i am
i know what i have to offer
and i deserve th BEST!!!

im ready for the best now LORD :)

thank you for removing the garbage out of my life.

no time for RIFF RAFF

im ready for the big leauges

Friday, April 22, 2011

I don't know if I can do this. Everything is changing. I'm scared of the unknown. 2people knowing each other 4ever, just meeting 4the first time.

Sunday, April 17, 2011


i am soo excited right now!!!!!
i feel like all my patience

is about to pay off in a major
wonderful way :)

not only did GOD give me my sign
[an obvious one like i asked for] (smiling)

GOD is so truly merciful and loving!!!

i l♥ve his footsoldiers that he places on this earth to help do his work :)

i promised myself and GOD
if i got a chance like this i would take it
and never let go

now i have my chance i cant be scared

there is gonna be so many changes
wonderful changes
growing pains :)

(smiling from ear to ear)

you know what ive learned?
and its taken me to get to 30 to finally understand?

you're gonna have your ups and downs with anybody and everybody
friends, lovers, companions, relatives

but it takes that one special person that chooses to take that ride with you
[and you choose them vice versa]
and you might not love each other everyday as much as the next
or at all sometimes
(you do but you cant see it all the time)

but when you endure those really really hard times
and come back to still find common ground
and you feel that all that love that brought you together in the first place
its beautiful

its a affirmation to GOD

he put that resilience in us
that mercy
that love
the need to reconnect with the person who makes you feel whole

i love you :)

i cant wait for you to come home!!!

everybody is waiting!!

no worries when you come out here ;)

we'll get thru it

GOD is watching over us so kick your feet up :)

Saturday, April 16, 2011

read between the lines

i still love you
im VERY proud of your accomplishments
you can never be a failure in my eyes no matter what you do
when i think about you i start smiling

you're amazing
the most dedicated person i know

TOO dedicated for my liking...
(i learned the hard way)

you worry too much
you need a vacation

lets take one together :)

you think too much
WAY WAY WAY too much

you have a CRAZY imagination...
almost crazier than me!

you're more paranoid than i thought
i like it tho
i makes me feel more sane about my paranoia
i've never met anyone more attractive in my LIFE


your smile blows me away

you know what you do to me

you always have

even back then

your smell lingers
in your tee shirts

those deep waves...

(deep sigh)

the power

you are so comfortable to me
TOO comfortable

scary comfortable

i just wanna laugh all day with you

feel your heartbeat

i know you hear me
we have a crazy way of communicating man seriously

i know that you know when im talking to you and when im reffering to someone else.
mainly assholes...

you're an asshole too but youre an asshole that i love

i love you

thank you for what you give to me :)
the good and the bad

(arms reaching around you)

self reflection

I wrote this about 2 years ago
i hope you all enjoy it


I look around me and no one looks familiar
not you not even me
whos life is this?
whos life am i living?
everything makes me sad,
everyone makes me mad,
a room surrounded and filled with dissappoinment
its disgusting
everyone is self consumed in their own shit to care about the next person
no one cares about peoples FEELINGS anymore
its 2nd nature
yet u seek compassion.
the world seeks understanding
yet doesnt search past their own interests
children growing up in fatherless homes
broken families
broken hearts
broken children
these things do ENOUGH tearing down of our families.
yet we tear down our own.
there is absolutely no value in people these days
no loyalty
no respect at all for family.
until you get the fone call that u knew was gonna happen one day
it just wasnt supposed to be THIS day
and u start to reflect
you think back to all those times you went partying instead of spend time with your loved one
all those white lies.
all those times u chose your selfish self serving ways
instead of the right one
... but sadly there is no more time left.
that person is gone
your time is over
all u have left is memories
u cant say im sorry
u cant hear that persons laugh
their voice
they are forever gone from your life
you cant re write life
u very seldom get a second chance to do the right thing in life
people are always sitting around trying to figure out how they can beat time
cheat life somehow
all the while time and life is playing you
you look up and your 30 with nothing
where did the time go?
now your headed towards 40 and your life is already more than half way over
what have you accomplished?
if you died tommorow would u be satisfied with your life?
your choices?
how much time do we have to waste?
how many tears have to be shed?
how many loved ones have to die?
how many children have to cry out?
how many excuses do we have to make?
youre not convincing me.
is that why u have to repeatedly lie?
are u still trying to convince yourself??
my eyes are open.
my mind is burdened.
i worry for the people i see.
i worry and disconnect.
as i continue to self reflect
go ahead and reject the responsability
thats y GOD

dear mr. right!

i am SOOOO glad my homie DIAMOND saved a copy of this!!!

this is a blog post from my friend Chevy Jones' BLOG

i hope you all enjoy it

Dear Mr. Right,

I want to apologize for not being ready to embrace change.
Although it is unfair, please understand that my past still continues to hinder my present which, in turn, prevents me from wanting to pursue a future with you right now.
You’re everything a woman could want; God fearing, affectionate, goal oriented, accommodating, and more! Everyday you manage to exceed my expectations of what a real man is and should be.
In a perfect world I would ask that you wait for me to be comfortable in knowing that I deserve nothing but the best, but that would be selfish of me. So I figure I’ll use this time for self-exploration with hopes of learning who I truly am once again.
Over the years I have mastered how to suppress my insecurities by hiding behind a false representation of myself. It is imperative that I peel away these layers of self doubt and meekness in order to grow into who I am destined to be. In short, I miss who I was before the heartbreak. So, allow me to tend to my wounds for a little while longer so that you have the pleasure of getting to know the strong, confident girl I used to be. Trust me! It will definitely be worth the wait.


Thursday, April 14, 2011

Bovine Gene

I was watching a movie recently. (lastnight lol)
and it brought up monogamy and sexual behavior in cows.
It stated that once a bull (male) has mated with a (female) cow it wont touch her again
it will move on to the next cow (f).
they even tried to trick the bull by putting the scent of a new cow onto the "old" cow
but he still knew he had already had sex with her.
the movie then brought the attention that only 5% of all male species are monogamous to their mates.
then it posed the question, why do men naturally feel the need to sow their seeds?
and why is it so difficult to be monogamous?
now, their are men who are definitely faithful
and usually as men get older they naturally start to settle down more
it is just so profound to me that the male species is burdened with this ailment
me myself having 2 sons
who will surely break alot of hearts
and also having a daughter
who will surely have men do her unjustly
and it seems like it cut out in nature that way???

thats what im battling here with

well if anyone knows ME
u know i dont take anything or anyone at face value

theres always exceptions to every rule

and the rules are constantly changing

and in MY world rules are meant to be bent lol

im glad im not a bull
or a man LMAO

be blessed people
and control your bovine genes
thats why GOD didnt make you a cow

Monday, April 11, 2011


i give up!!

im throwing my towel in and im waiving my white flag

giving up on things that have already given up on me

im giving up the stress
the confusion
the neglect

i get the disregard

thats what u have for people when u dont care

so now its my turn to give up

to stop calling


i give it all to GOD
and i close this door

turn inward

now i get to ignore calls
disconnect from the person and peoples that i thought i knew

life is constantly moving forward
and im here sitting still wondering about...
the wrong people and the wrong shit obviously...

im like sitting up in the middle of night not being able to sleep
and i TRUELY give that headache up

you really have to wonder about people who pretend to care
they are very savy

they ask the right questions
talk the talk

but an act only lasts so long
eventually we all get tired of acting

and then the real person comes out

the one who is self involved
self conflicted
unsure of what you feel

i get it

ive been there

i just choose to give it up now...

so please excuse me now
as i concentrate on myself

as hard as you had to

as i push you away as hard as you pushed me

karma is a bitch i admit


goodbye ♥♥ ♥♥♥

Saturday, April 9, 2011

the great war

there's a war that is goin on.
not in japan, egypt, africa...
there is war and struggle everywhere
but the GREAT war
is the struggle we have inside of us

the inner struggles we face everyday

we are usually our own worst enemies
(no surprise)

we doubt ourselves
we cheat ourselves
we lie to ourselves

then in the end you look back and say "i remember when i really messed that one up...
and i remember what i learned from it"

"if i knew then what i know now..."
etc etc

its not set up to be like that


life isnt supposed to be predictable like that

and rightfully so
i dont 'DO' predictable

my war is exciting
its unpredictable
its colorful
its wishy washy

my war is just like me

if you cant survive this war
then the war wins

i wonder to myself all the time who can conquer this war...

who is man enough (besides JESUS himself)
besides the LORD himself is there any man that can tolerate me?

maybe not

not likely... lol
so what?

its just me and my war
fighting it out
licking the flesh wounds
still learning
still growing
still loving

loving the war

my war keeps me company

isnt that funny?

my war brings me so much grief yet so much life at the same time
ive been at war since i was 7 years old

for my freedom

confused by my turmoil i try to sort through everyday

i dont even know who i am without the tears
without the doubt

without the hurt

ive been at war with myself since i was 7 years old

my war defines me

my war wanted to name me but i changed that name

and then i changed it again.

whats sad is that anyone who wants to share a piece of me, eventually always meets my war

i try to keep it away from the people i love

i tell them LEAVE ME ALONE!@!!!!

but what im really telling, is my war not to harm them

i only need to be affected by my war

why do you need to cry to? y do u need to suffer with me?

why take on my war?

it is mine
it was given to me
i'll never know why

i'll never understand

take me as i am

leave me be

me and my great war

Thursday, April 7, 2011

nothin even matters

Now the skies could fall
Not even if my boss should call
The world it seems so very small
'Cause nothing even matters at all

Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters at all
Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters at all

See I don't need no alcohol
Your love makes me feel ten feet tall
Without it I'd go through withdrawal
'Cause nothing even matters at all

Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters at all
Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters at all

These buildings could drift out to sea
Some natural catastrophe
Still there's no place I'd rather be
'Cause nothing even matters to me

Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters to me
Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters to me

You're part of my identity
I sometimes have the tendency
To look at you religiously
'Cause nothing even matters to me

Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters to me
Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters to me

Now you won't find me at no store
I have no time for manicures
With you it's never either or
'Cause nothing even matters no more

Nothing even matters
Nothing it don't matter
Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters no more

Now my team could score
And make it to the Final Four
Just repossess my 4x4
'Cause nothing even matters no more

Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters no more
Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters no more

To me

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


thank you LORD for the many blessings you give me daily
my beautiful children
their health...
my apartment,
my car
my loving pets lol
my electronics...
the food you bless us with
all the wonderful people that make my life truly fulfilling
thank you for the joy of laughter
for beautiful calming pictures that i escape to
thank you for calling my granny to you and giving her peace
for giving her my grandfather again
she was never the same after he left us...
thank u for giving me the grandparents u gave me
without them i prolly woulda been dead a long time ago
thank you for letting me travel and live in so many different states
please bless me to see more of the world you have created
thank you for showing me more about myself everyday
thank you for the strength to smile through my tears
thank you for giving me the will to get out of bed.
LORD help me to forgive those who have truly done me foul
help me to forgive them, -
not for them, but for my own freeing
to unburden myself
help me to continue to pray for those i dont care for
YES LORD!! thank you! because i DO pray for my enemies
LORD protect my loved ones that arent near me.
family in different states
on different coasts
help me to continually improve my skills and talents...
thank you for allowing me to know incredible people that teach me valuable life lessons that i carry with me everyday
skills that i get to share with other people
LORD you are truly amazing and merciful
thank you for loving me so unconditionally

i want to say a special prayer and thank you for my middle son santana...
LORD thank you for giving me someone so incredibly special
i have never known someone so strong
his strength amazes me.
please continue to help with his health
LORD help him to be strong
help him to have as regular a life as he can
LORD bless him with a LONG life, filled with love
and GREAT health
he goes through so much to just be 7 years old

he deals with more than most adults do and he does it with FLARE!!!!
my man got style
and he gives me tears of joy everyday

thank you LORD for all of my children
i love them all the same

keep them all under your shields LORD
i love you eternally

Monday, April 4, 2011

the most amazing discovery

i talked to someone i havent talked to in a long time...
she warmed my heart...
i shed genuine tears with her this morning...
i let her know that i loved her
and her son

i told her i worry about him day and night.
that i want him to be happy
have the happiest life he could possibly live,
the life GOD created him to live...

i let her know my troubles
and with her honest heart, she consoled me ♥

she opened my eyes to see someone in a whole new light
she made me fall in love all over again
she made me reach out...

i discovered a forgiveness i never knew existed

i made a secret promise to myself
and when the time is right i will discover what awaits me afterwards

IM EXCITED because my heart was reopened
rejuvenated, re freshened
and it only reaffirmed one thing

true love is unselfish
if you truly love someone you wish them the best
no matter who they're with♥♥♥
and true love also
bumps into you
time and time again
it finds you

years later
it becomes the greatest REdiscovery you ever could imagine

Sunday, April 3, 2011

a new day

a new day is forming
a new day is here
the smell of a fresh start

the smell of love

the aroma of beginnings

how bittersweet
how lovely

everyday is a gift to me
i have to be thankful

thankful for the struggle of today
grateful for life

i am no longer hung up on things i cant control
i am letting go of everyone

remember me walking away from u
dont b offended if u get lost in the passing by

a face i dont remember
a voice i dont know

im not allowing my old life into my new day

i say goodbye and i cry
but i embrace the change that is coming to me

i encourage a new day ♥

Friday, April 1, 2011

big mistake

I been talkin to some of my friends...
seeking counsel from both male and female friends...
most seem to agree that i usually sell myself short.

i run from great opportunities and wonderful people.

in the end i end up hurt.

one of my best friends told me that i sell myself VERY short when it comes to great men who wanna support me, love me..... i see where she is coming from, in hindsight.

now 8 years later i am STILL making the same mistake

i know... well i used to know the most wonderful person...
flawed yes... but flawed very perfectly

a smile that melts your heart
a heart made out of gold

someone that brightened my day everyday

and then slowly by slowly we started to dismiss each other.
we stopped caring, or at least we stopped trying
after that we started arguing

i thought i was gonna spend the rest of my life with this person.
i wish i could be that lucky

i wish i could hold him
i wish i could smell him
i wish he would come home

i wish i was home to him

i wish i knew where home was.

i dont.
i dont know me anymore
i dont know him anymore

all i know is the long list of mistakes ive made in this life.
and this is at the top of the list.

if i could tell u anything babe i would just wanna say i wanna work it out.

the good the bad, none of it is worth it without u...

i'll never have the courage to say it tho...

so i'll just leave it here
in black and white